


I'm trying (Phan)

by Misha_with_wings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anger, Anxiety, Arguments, Coping Mechanisms, Crying, Cuddling, Cute notes, Cutting, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Depression, Emotional Talks, Eventual Happiness, Friends to Lovers, Hair Pulling, Happy Ending, Helpful Phil, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Smut, Kisses, M/M, Pain, Panic Attacks, Phan - Freeform, Recovery, Relapse, Sad Phil, Sad dan, Sadness, Scratching, Self Harm, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, descriptive self harm, its not all sad i promise, long talks, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 20:30:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14292852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_with_wings/pseuds/Misha_with_wings
Summary: Dan was trying to stop self-harming with every fiber of his being, but he kept messing up. Every little slip-up sent him into a downward spiral and it just got harder and harder.Phil tried to help him as much as he possibly could but he couldn't help Dan if he didn't try.There were ups and there were downs, but Dan was determined to push through. He could do it, he just had to have a little faith in himself.-trigger warning! Look through all tags before reading!-





	I'm trying (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

> So I originally started writing this as a coping mechanism. I, in the past, have struggled with self-harm and I still do, it's a long road to recovery but things will get better! 
> 
> With that said, this fic gets VERY real, it isn't some tiny cutting scene, it goes in depth into emotions and feelings on both Dan and Phil's parts- because the helpful friend's emotions are valid too!! (People often forget this) there's ups and there's downs and sometimes it's a bit sideways- because it's based off of some of my experiences and I didn't hold back a whole lot. 
> 
> If you are struggling, just know life is full of ups and downs. It never gets better right away but remember, you've been happy before- no matter how small that bit of happiness was- and you will be happy again. Always keep fighting, stay strong and keep your head up!

Dan knew he couldn't keep this up, his heart felt heavy in his chest and he was just consumed with this feeling of immense guilt. The stinging feeling on his thighs made every emotion weigh on him even more. 

He knew cutting wasn't a good coping mechanism for his feelings but he just did it. He doesn't know why but he didn't even think twice- he just slashed open his skin with a razor blade and he loved it. The feeling made him forget everything for once, and he could just stare at the blood beading at the surface of the cuts, and watch it drip down creating a crimson path on his skin. It was hypnotizing to watch.

He wishes he never would have started the habit, now he was addicted to it. He wished he could quit but it helped. Well it kind of helped, while he was cutting he wasn't focusing on his problems, but the second he was done everything came flooding back and on top of that he had painful stinging cuts on his skin. 

Dan didn't know what to do and he felt like he was stuck. 

He wanted to talk to Phil about it but he wasn't sure how he'd react and Dan didn't want to scare him. It's just that Phil was the only person he could trust with something like this. Telling Phil about it would probably help, then Phil would know and try and help him out. 

Dan had been thinking about how to tell Phil for the past week now. He'd been distant from Phil for the past month since his habit had gotten worse. He had been cutting for about four months but he never saw it as a problem until a month ago when it became a daily routine. 

His thighs were covered from his hips to his knees, he had even began to cut on his stomach and sides. It was painful but he couldn't quit. 

He took a deep breath and walked towards the lounge, he needed to get this off his chest before he chickened out. If he didn't say anything then he knew he had no chance of recovery, Phil was like his support system and he needed to let him know. Phil was a big help to him on his bad days. 

"Phil?" Dan's voice came out sounding small and unsure. 

Phil looked over in surprise to see Dan out of his room, he hadn't left it much within the past month. "Hey." Phil replied softly, Dan looked nervous and scared. 

"Can- can I talk to you?" Dan asks, his voice was shaking. 

"Of course." Phil pats the sofa cushion next to him with a soft smile on his face, "Sit."

Dan sat next to Phil before taking a few deep breaths. He didn't know how to say it or how to word anything to be able to say it. 

"What's on your mind?" Phil asks, keeping his voice soft. Dan was vulnerable and the wall he put up to block Phil out was weak, Phil had to tread lightly and be careful with how he said things. He knew how to treat Dan during these times. 

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you... I didn't mean too." Dan starts out by saying. 

"It's okay Dan, everybody needs a little alone time every once in a while. You didn't hurt my feelings any." Phil reassures him, Dan gives him a small nod of appreciation for being so understanding. 

Dan stuttered and stumbled over his words, he couldn't form an exact sentence and all that came out was, "Im scared."

"What's wrong?" Phil asks in concern. 

"I-" Dan could feel his breathing beginning to pick up, his lungs were working faster and his chest hurt, "I need to tell you something."

"You can tell me anything Dan, you know that." Phil replies. 

"But this- this is bad." Dan gulps, "And I'm scared. I don't want to lose you because you're my best friend and you're all I have-"

"You won't lose me Dan. Ever." Phil assures him, "Whatever's wrong I'll help you work through it."

"Phil." Dan whimpers, tears brimming his eyes. He couldn't hold it in anymore and he just began to break down. 

"Aw, Dan..." Phil gently pulled him into a hug, he avoided fast or quick movements so Dan wouldn't get jumpy or scared. He squeezed Dan tightly, in the comforting way he always liked. 

"I'm scared." Dan mumbles again, this time into Phil's shoulder. 

"It's alright, it's gonna be alright." Phil says soothingly, "I'm gonna help you through whatever it is." 

"Promise?" Dan asks. 

"I promise." Phil replies, letting Dan pull away from the hug and sit back up. 

Dan wipes at his eyes and he sniffles, trying to calm himself down. He didn't really want to get all worked up right now. 

"Talk to me." Phil says. 

Dan inhales deeply, "I need help, Phil." 

"That's what I'm here for Dan." Phil smiles kindly. 

"This is different than what's usually wrong with me... this is new." Dan says, he was speaking nervously and trying his best to make sense, "It's bad and harmful and I want to stop- I want it to stop. It isn't good but I can't help it."

Phil's eyebrows furrow in confusion, "What is it Dan? You can tell me, you can trust me."

"I know I can." Dan replies softly, emitting a small sigh, "Phil I- I've been cutting myself." Dan physically couldn't force himself to meet Phil's eyes after the words left his lips. 

Phil felt everything within him freeze up, he even felt his eyes well with tears and his heart ached for Dan. He couldn't possibly imagine how hard this was for him, but just the fact that he could speak up and tell Phil about it showed that there was still hope. There's always hope. 

"Dan..." Phil says quietly, now his voice was shaking. His throat felt tight but he wasn't going to freak out. He was going to try his best to be calm and logical about the situation, Dan wanted help so he didn't need to get mad or yell. Yelling never solved anything. "Look at me."

Dan releases a shaky sigh before looking at Phil, seeing the many emotions, mainly worry, swirling in his blue eyes.

"I'm so so proud of you for speaking up about this. I know this was probably very hard for you and I'm so grateful that you trust me with this." Phil says, he was trying to speak and choose his words carefully, "Im gonna help you okay? We're going to work together on this and you are going to be okay. I'm not gonna leave you and I'm not gonna let you down."

"Thank you, Phil." Dan says before diving forward and burying his face in Phil's shoulder, "So much.." 

"We need to come up with a plan for you, do you think making rules would help?" Phil asks softly. 

Dan slowly nods, "It's helped before, something about having a boundary or a limit is helpful to me. It helps me get my mind back on track." 

"Okay." Phil sighs as Dan leans away from his shoulder again, "First things first, we need to get rid of what you use to hurt yourself with. That way if you begin to get the itch to do it again, you won't be able to do it as easily, and maybe you just won't do it at all because you won't have an easy access to the things." 

Dan slowly nods, "That's probably a good idea." He agrees. It's a start, a starting point is better than having no point. It's like he finally had solid ground under his feet so he wasn't just free-falling and out of control. 

"I'm gonna go with you and we're gonna collect everything and get rid of it together." Phil says, "So you won't be alone, and I'll be right beside you for support if you need it."

Dan nods again as he lets another shaky breath go, "Let's get it over with." 

"Hey." Phil gains Dan's attention, "You can do it, you're strong Dan. I believe in you." 

"Right now that's all I need." Dan smiles back at Phil but he still seemed unsure and upset. This was only step one of a long recovery process. Dan knew he wouldn't get better over night- Phil knew it too. 

"You lead and I'll follow." Phil says. 

Phil follows Dan down the hallway through the flat and into Dan's bedroom. 

Dan gives him an unsure look, "Phil..."

"It's okay, I'm right behind you. I'm right here." Phil says, "Take your time, breathe. Don't stress yourself out, okay... I won't leave."

Dan breathes as steady as he could as he approaches his dresser, he pulls open the sock drawer before moving the strategically placed socks out of the way. There laid one of his blades, he had five all stashed around. 

Dan plucks it from the bottom of the drawer, holding it carefully. The glint of the metal blade made his insides tingle with want but he wouldn't. Not anymore, now he was trying to stop and he was going to put in as much effort as he could. 

Dan turns to Phil, razor blade in hand. "One." He mumbles shakily, his lungs were slowly failing him.

Phil holds his hand out, "Give it to me." He requests. 

Dan drops it into Phil's palm, "Be careful." He tells Phil, he almost wanted to make a comment about how ironic that was. Here he was, covered in cuts from that razor blade, and he was telling Phil to be careful. 

"I'm okay, but if you need a minute-" Phil gets cut off. 

"No, I want to get this over with." Dan replies and Phil nods in understanding. 

Dan walks to his nightstand before grabbing another blade out of it. He drops it into Phil's hand as well. "Two..."

"You feel okay?" Phil asks. 

"Yeah." Dan breathes, "Getting rid of my blades- it's almost therapeutic in a weird way."

"If it helps, it helps." Phil replies, "This is a good thing Dan, I'm proud of you."

"Thank you." Dan replies, genuinely meaning it. 

He exits his room and walks to the bathroom, Phil followed behind him.

"Here's the last of them." Dan digs in the cabinet beneath the sink, finding the last and sharpest three in the back corner where Phil would never have found them. 

Phil takes the handful of blades and waves Dan over, "This is it." He says before dropping them all in the toilet. Flushing them would make them gone forever, out of sight out of mind. 

"I want to-" Dan says, stopping Phil from flushing it. Phil steps back, letting Dan get rid of his figurative demons. "You don't own me anymore." Dan says before flushing, watching the blades disappear forever. 

"I can't believe I just did that..." Dan leans against the wall, it was like just that one move exhausted everything inside of him. 

"I'm proud of you." Phil says, "Not a lot of people would have had the strength to do what you just did."

"Yeah?" Dan replies, "Well nobody has a Phil like I do." He gives Phil an appreciative smile. 

"I'm always here for you." 

"I couldn't be more thankful for you." Dan sighs, finally feeling his body return to normal. His breathing was almost steady and he stopped shaking. 

"Do you think you're gonna be alright?" Phil asks. 

Dan slowly nods, "Eventually, it's gonna take an immense amount of effort on my part but I'm determined. I can do it." 

"And I'll be here every step of the way with you." Phil replies, "Let's go have a chat now yeah?"

"Yeah." Dan replies in agreement, sighing softly. He could do it, he had to do it. 

"What do you think you need to change things?" Phil asks once they were sat back on the couch.

"Honestly I don't know- I just feel lost and alone..." Dan admits, opening up to Phil was luckily never that hard for him. 

"Alone?" Phil asks, "But you're not alone..."

"I know- I just... I don't know Phil, I don't know." Dan admits, he was lost and didn't know what to do. 

"It's okay Dan, we'll work something out for you." Phil says in a reassuring tone, "What if instead of feeling alone you stayed around me?" Phil asks. 

Dan gives him a look of confusion.

"Like I know you prefer to be alone during your depressive episodes but if you start to feel alone just come and sit by me. Maybe just the presence of another person could make a big difference. You shouldn't feel as alone then because I'll be right beside you. If you need a reason to keep from hurting yourself and your will to stop isn't enough just think of me. I don't want you to hurt yourself and you are extremely important to me." Phil explains. 

Dan nods, "The thing is I always feel annoying and needy if I go to you when I'm like that..."

"Don't." Phil says sternly, but not meanly, "You never ever annoy me okay? Your mental health comes first and I'll never turn you down or send you away. Don't feel needy or annoying, I want you to come to me. Talk to me, rant and vent to me- it's fine. Just get what's wrong off of your chest and I'll listen, if you don't want a reply then tell me and I'll just sit there and be a set of ears. Plus I really enjoy your company."

"You're sure you don't care- just... during those times I need reassurance..." Dan mumbles shyly, he hates admitting his insecurities. 

"Then I'll be happy to reassure you." Phil replies simply, "You mean the world to me, nobody is as important as you, and I'll do anything I can to help you."

Dan actually felt tears pricking at his eyes, "You're such a great person Phil." He sighs, "I can't even explain it... I'm just glad you aren't mad at me."

"Anger wouldn't solve anything, Dan- and I wouldn't ever be mad at you, possibly disappointed, but never mad. People make mistakes and slip-up's happen, it's all a part of life, but you have me and I'm gonna stay here with you and keep you above water. I'm just worried about you is all, I don't know how to understand what you're feeling so I never know if what I'm doing is enough." Phil says. 

"Everything you do is helpful Phil, and I think you do understand me- at least a lot more than you think you do, because you always know how to help me and you can calm me down with ease. You actually care about what I think and say and you tell me all my emotions are valid when I think I'm going insane. You tell me I'm not crazy and my mind just works differently and you tell me it's okay, you talk me through everything and you're so incredibly kind to me. You're extremely helpful to me and honestly without you, I don't know where I'd be- and the fact that I'm important to you makes me feel loved and wanted because you're the only person that matters. Just- thank you, Phil." Dan says, he was crying a bit but he didn't care. He never hid his emotions around Phil. 

"I'm glad I can help you." Phil says, his eyes were watery too. They didn't often say how much they meant to each other but moments like this made them both feel happy and content with life, because they had each other and somehow it was perfect and it was enough. "And just so you know, when it comes to me- you will always be loved and you will always be wanted. There's never going to be any exceptions." 

Dan gave Phil a watery-eyed smile, he didn't know what to say now. 

"Come here." Phil opens his arms for Dan.

Dan leans into Phil's embrace and they lean back onto the couch together in a cuddly ball of emotions. 

"Do you care if I try to sleep?" Dan asks from his place on Phil's chest, Phil just hugs him tighter.

"Not at all, I'll stay right here." Phil replies, letting his hand soothingly rub up and down Dan's back. 

Dan falls asleep, and for the first time in months, his mind felt at peace.

.....

The first few days went fine, Dan started to think that this would be easy- but of course it was just false hope. 

It was a little after midnight, four days after he had told Phil, and he was suddenly hit with a really bad depressive episode. It came out of nowhere and it beat him down and his thighs and sides were itching to shake hands with a blade. 

"I can't." Dan tells himself, he looks in his mirror, staring into his own eyes. "I can't, I can't, I can't,"

Dan paces his room as he tries to steady his breathing, eventually he plops himself down on his bed. 

"I can't and I won't." Dan says, he just had to wait for the night to pass. In the morning he'd be around Phil again and everything would be fine. 

Hours tick by and eventually it was almost four in the morning, Dan was still internally panicking and he just wanted that escape- but he wouldn't break the promise he made to himself that soon. 

He huffs before wrapping himself in is duvet and exiting his bedroom. 

He quietly pushes Phil's bedroom door open, Phil was fast asleep. Dan knew Phil wouldn't mind him coming in here but he still felt weird about it- like he was a bother to Phil. 

He shakes that thought out of his mind and gently lays down next to Phil, huddling under his duvet he had wrapped himself in even more. Only then could he sleep. 

The next morning Dan woke up without Phil beside him. He looked around the brightly colored room in confusion but he didn't have the energy to get up yet so he snuggled further under the blankets. Somehow he was now wrapped in his and Phil's duvets so he was in a cocoon of warmth. 

He heard the sound of a door opening and he looked up to see Phil entering. "Hey." Phil says softly upon seeing Dan awake, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay I guess, just sleepy." Dan replies quietly.

Phil noticed how exhausted he sounded, "Well I made breakfast, I was just coming to wake you up."

"Okay." Dan sighs deeply before pushing the blankets off of him, he immediately shivers.

"You were shivering when I woke up so I covered you up with my blanket..." 

"It's okay. Why is it so cold in here?" Dan asks, subconsciously wrapping his arms around himself as he stands up. 

"I like my room cold because I can't sleep if it's hot." 

"You weirdo." Dan jokes, "Seriously though it's like an icebox."

They make their way to the kitchen and Dan feels his stomach turn, for some reason he just wasn't hungry. He had no interest in food at the moment.

"You okay?" Phil asks as they sit to eat at the table.

"Yeah..." Dan sighs, continuing to play with his food and push it around on the plate. 

"Dan." Phil says in a tone that only Dan could understand. It's the tone he used when he knew Dan was lying about something but he didn't want to upset him. 

"No." Dan admits, retracting his previous lie. 

"What's wrong?" Phil asks lightly, like it was a question with a simple answer. 

For Dan, the answer to that wasn't simple in the slightest. It was hidden behind codes and locks in his mind and it drove him crazy on a daily basis. 

"I don't know." Dan admits, burying his face in his hands and sighing heavily with defeat. 

"What happened last night?" Phil asks, he knew Dan had something wrong because he woke up in bed with him. Dan only did that when the nights were really bad. "Well, if you want to talk about it..."

"I'm just not hungry right now..." Dan says, "As for last night I don't even know... I just suddenly felt so crappy and empty..."

"You should've woken me up." Phil says, he looked concerned and sad. 

"I didn't want to disturb you, and I just didn't wanna talk- all I wanted to do was sleep and I couldn't, luckily the second I laid down in your bed I was out like a light." Dan tries to force a laugh, but he still didn't feel quite right. 

"Well do you wanna talk now? I don't want to force you or anything but if it would help..." 

"I was thinking about it." Dan admits, looking down at the table instead of at Phil like he previously had been. 

"It?" Phil asks, his mind obviously doesn't go straight to anything negative so he didn't get what Dan meant right away. 

"Cutting..." Dan sighs, just the word leaving his lips made him shiver. He wanted it so badly but he was trying to keep himself steady, he didn't want to relapse.

"Oh." Phil gulps and inhales shakily, "D-did you?"

Dan glances up at him, "What?" For some reason Dan just felt sadder, it was like Phil didn't trust him. If Dan had cut again he'd tell him, he really would- at least he thinks. 

"Dan, I won't be mad at you... I just want the truth. No lies." Phil says. 

"I didn't, Phil." Dan responds truthfully, "I promise."

"Good." Phil sighs with relief. 

"I really thought about it though... I was just freaking out and I wanted to do it so badly." 

"Do you still- like I mean, are you still thinking about it...?" Phil asks cautiously. 

"Truth?" Dan sounded small and scared as he looked up, meeting Phil's eyes. 

"Truth. Lying won't help you and you know it." Phil replies. 

"I am." Dan admits with a sigh, he felt broken down and defeated. 

"Is there anything I can do?" Phil asks.

"You can't keep me from my thoughts, Phil." Dan sighs, "You can help me throw away my blades and you can distract me- but my thoughts will still be there." 

"I know..." Phil responds sadly, "I just wanna help."

"You are helping me, I promise." Dan says, giving Phil a small smile to reassure him. 

"How about we go play some video games?" Phil suggests.

Dan thinks for a second, "You know what- I think that sounds great, Phil." 

Eventually they tired themselves of Mario Kart and Phil kept losing but he didn't care. Dan had a big genuine smile on his face and it made Phil super happy to know that he helped put it there. Every time Phil would rage out or lose Dan would laugh and Phil's heart felt warmer just knowing he was happy. He wouldn't be happy all day every day, Phil knew, but for now things were fine. They were having fun. 

"Phil- don't you- no!" Dan screams before flopping himself back onto the sofa violently, Phil had just barely beat him at Mario Kart.

"Yes! Finally, suck it loser!" Phil yells. 

Dan immediately stops laughing and screaming in defeat to cringe at Phil, "I'm not sucking anything." 

"Yet." Phil winks, he was joking so it was all in good fun. 

"I don't-" Dan sighs and puts his hands over his face, "You know what I'm just gonna move on."

Phil looks over at Dan and his smile instantly falters, in the process of Dan writhing around out of anger on the sofa his t-shirt had ridden up. Phil could see the scabbed over cuts lining Dan's stomach, they criss-crossed over each other and covered almost every expanse of pale skin that he could see. 

Phil was about to pretend like he didn't notice but Dan caught him looking and he quickly pulled his shirt back down. Dan suddenly couldn't meet Phil's eyes, he never wanted Phil to actually see his self inflicted wounds. 

"I'm sorry..." Dan mumbles, he doesn't know why he was apologizing. It's not like the cuts were made today.

"No, no. Don't be sorry. When was the last time you..." Phil trails off, the word cut seemed to be venom on his tongue. He couldn't say it. 

"Five days ago." Dan replies, feeling guilty. 

"The day before you told me..." Phil mutters, "I was home all day that day-"

"When I took a shower." Dan answers the question that had yet to come, but he knew Phil was gonna ask when. "You were home almost every time I did it... I just waited until you were asleep or until I was in the shower." 

Phil's eyes were now glossy, "Why didn't you come to me?" Phil asks, his voice cracking signaling his incoming tears. "You could have woken me up- I would have been there for you..." Phil says, his voice was shaky and sad and a tear escaped his eye, "I didn't do anything to stop you-"

"Phil, you didn't know." Dan says, "I was purposely hiding it..." 

"Why?" Phil asks, he looked broken. 

Dan didn't even think to ask how Phil was, he was too concerned with himself. "I thought it helped." Dan admits, "I knew it would upset you."

"I just feel terrible like- was I not there for you? Did I do anything wrong?" Phil asks, he seemed completely vulnerable and open. 

"I promise it wasn't you, Phil." Dan says soothingly, he moves closer to Phil and leans his head on Phil's shoulder, he hugs Phil's arm to his chest. "It was all me, nobody is to blame but me." 

Phil leans his head on Dan's, "How long had you been doing it?"

Dan takes a deep breath and sighs out his next words, "Four months." 

Phil was wiping his tears away with the palms of his hands, "You should've told me four months ago."

"I know." Dan replies, he knows it was true. 

"You wanna know something Dan?" Phil asks. 

"Hmm?" Dan squeezes Phil's arm tighter for a second as he hums his reply. 

"Just knowing that you hurt yourself hurts me so much. When you hurt, I hurt for you too. I just want you to be happy, I try so hard to make you happy everyday and just knowing that I didn't succeed-" Phil suddenly sobs and Dan moves to wrap his arms around Phil, enveloping him in a tight hug. Phil was aloud to be sad too, and Dan would comfort him because he cared. Phil's emotions were just as valid as his. "I feel like a failure..."

"Phil." Dan says softly, dragging his name out. He hugs Phil tighter, "You are definitely not a failure- you're a win to me." Dan sighs before admitting more, "It's not that I'm not happy, Phil... I am, honestly I have a great life, I just don't cope well with sadness and my depression kicks my ass sometimes. I turned to self-harm and I shouldn't have, now I'm paying the price for it." 

"You're gonna be okay, Dan." Phil tells him, leaning further into Dan's embrace, he lets his body practically melt in Dan's arms, "I just feel like a bad friend." 

"You are not a bad friend!" Dan exclaims, "You are the best friend I could ever ask for- if not better! You're extremely helpful and you always make me so happy, nobody could ever be a better friend to me than you because you are perfect for me, and I will fight you on that."

"So we're perfect for each other?" Phil asks, letting a small laugh escape. 

"In the most sappy storybook way." Dan responds with a light giggle. 

Phil pulls himself out of Dan's arms before sighing, "Im sorry though."

"Why?" Dan asks confusedly. 

"Because I should be the one comforting you... not the other way around." Phil looks down at his lap sadly. 

"No, no Phil." Dan says before taking a breath, "You're aloud to be upset. You have just as much of a right as I do to talk about things that are bothering you. Just because I'm going through something and I need help doesn't mean that you can't be sad or whatever. I'm here for you just like you're here for me and I always will be. If you're sad, upset, or need to talk about something you can talk to me, don't hold it in. You wouldn't want me to keep anything bottled-up and I want you to be able to talk as freely as I do. Don't feel the need to tread lightly around me, your emotions and feelings are just as valid as mine." 

Phil takes a deep sigh, "Honestly Dan, I really needed to hear that." He almost felt like crying again.

"Give me another hug." Dan requests, holding his arms out.

Phil doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Dan, "Thank you."

"Always." Dan mumbles, his face squished against Phil's shoulder. 

.....

A few rough days passed, Dan had ended up sleeping in Phil's bed for three nights in a row just for the safe feeling. In Phil's bed he felt like the thoughts couldn't get him. 

He hadn't relapsed, he had thought about it and even stared at the knives in the kitchen thinking about it. He almost did it but then he took a deep breath, put the knife in the drawer, and he went to curl up in bed with Phil who was sleeping soundly. 

Now the bad days have lightened up and Dan felt better, today was good. 

"I've got a few things to do, do you wanna go into town with me?" Phil asks as he enters the lounge, seeing Dan sunk into the sofa on his laptop. 

"I don't wanna move." Dan replies, giving Phil an adorable lazy smile, "How long will you be?"

"I shouldn't be more than an hour or two." Phil responds. 

"Okay, then I'll just make dinner while you're out." 

"Alright, no wild parties while I'm gone." Phil jokes as he approaches the door. 

"I'll do what I want- even if that includes a rave with my imaginary friends!" Dan yells at Phil, he hears Phil's laugh before the front door opens and shuts, signaling that he was gone. 

"I really don't wanna move." Dan sighs to himself, he decided to scroll through Tumblr a little longer before he went to make dinner. 

Eventually Dan managed to pep-talk himself into getting up out of his comfortable yet spine-crippling position. 

Dan walks to the kitchen before standing in the middle of it and huffing to himself, "Food." 

He eventually stops being sluggish and gets into cooking. 

Everything was fine, even when he pulled out a knife to chop vegetables, he didn't have the urge to cut. He felt proud of himself. 

He felt so oddly good at the moment that he started humming and dancing around his kitchen and he pretended to do "ninja" moves with the knife. 

"Chop chop mother fucker." Dan slams the knife down onto the cutting board. 

"I'm so weird." Dan sighs, he doesn't even begin to wonder about about his life's choices because he was in a good mood. 

Even though his happiness is good it doesn't mean his coordination is. 

Somehow he manages to slice into his left arm while attempting to slay his imaginary enemy. 

"Fuck-!" Dan curses, dropping the knife to the floor, blood immediately beads to the surface and drops of crimson flow down his pale skin. 

Dan just stared at it, he swallows thickly, "Oh god..." The sting was familiar, granted he had never cut on his arms, and the blood was hypnotizing. 

"I'm fine." Dan takes a deep breath, he quickly turns off the stove so the food wouldn't burn and he picks the knife up off of the ground. 

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Dan tells the knife as he sets it in the sink, using humor was his way of dealing with things. 

Dan was grateful that he had been in such a good mood that day. If it was one of his bad days then god only knows how this would have ended, but accidents like this happen all the time, especially when you're playing with a knife. 

"It's all fun and games until you cut your arm off." Dan sighs as he cleans the cut and stops the bleeding, he goes to grab a hoodie from his room. He didn't want Phil to see his accidental injury and freak out, and Dan didn't want to explain his dumb way of getting it. 

"I'm actually an idiot." Dan sighs as he pulls the hoodie over his head and walks out of his room. 

"Honey, I'm home!" Phil yells jokingly.

Dan rolls his eyes, "Well hello to you too Phil, I didn't realize I was your honey." 

"Might as well be, sure our relationship is platonic but we're also the equivalent of an old married couple so deal with it." Phil says, seeing Dan pulling a hoodie on as he meets him in the hallway. 

"We are the gayest not-gay couple." Dan jokes back, he walks into the kitchen with Phil following behind. 

"Wow, so I can call you honey and you argue but you can suddenly call us a couple. At least ask me on a date first." 

Dan laughs and sighs with a small eye roll, "What is actually wrong with us."

They both knew they were pretty much a couple, they only wanted each other and they were content to just live with each other forever. They didn't want anyone else, they liked their life how it already was. 

"I don't know, but I think I should start planning our wedding." Phil says, wiggling his eyebrows at Dan to be funny. 

They sometimes talked like this to each other when they got in weird playful moods. It was funny how they could have sentimental, sappy, emotional moments then have things like this. It just shows how well they go together. 

"Only if I can be the bride." Dan laughs, fluttering his eyelashes at Phil.

"Well I'm not gonna be the damn bride so okay."

"We can run off into the sunset, holding hands and singing about our endless love for each other." Dan remarks. 

"Then we can ride naked on horseback and feed each other the freshest and most thick grapes." Phil laughs when Dan gives him a disappointed expression. 

"Jesus, Phil."

They chatted lightly as they ate, every once in a while they'd kick each other under the table. It started as an accident then it just got aggressive. 

"What's wrong?" Phil asks, seeing Dan flop his head into his hands. 

"Headache." Dan replies simply. 

"Go lay down then." Phil tells him, "I'll do the dishes and clean up." 

"You sure?" Dan asks, "I don't wanna be a-"

"You aren't a bother." Phil says, already knowing what was about to leave Dan's lips. "Go rest- plus, you made dinner, it's only fair that I clean it up."

"Okay." Dan rolls his eyes, "Only because you convinced me."

Dan exits the kitchen to go lay down in his- or Phil's- room, they didn't really have boundaries with where they slept anymore, so their rooms were mutual areas. 

Phil goes to do the dishes and he immediately stops in his tracks. There were droplets of dark red on the white tile floor in front of the sink. Phil felt his throat tighten and he swallowed thickly as he picked up the knife, sure enough there was a bit of red on it. "Dan..." Phil sadly sighs to himself. 

Phil finishes the dishes as quickly as possible and he wipes the blood off of the floor. His mind was spinning- Dan seemed so fine, why would he cut again?

Phil didn't want to just not say anything, he knew he should bring it up for the sake of Dan's safety and wellbeing. 

"Dan?" Phil slowly steps into Dan's room, seeing him buried beneath blankets. 

"Yeah?" Dan asks in reply, peeking out from his blanket pile to look at Phil. 

"Can we talk?" Phil asks nervously. 

"Of course, come join the burrito." Dan giggles lightly and holds open the blanket. 

Phil smiles fondly and shakes his head, but he sits beside Dan nonetheless. 

"What's wrong?" Dan asks, noticing something was off with Phil. 

"Um... I- I just wanted to make sure you're okay..." Phil says, he was looking down at his hands. 

"Right now I'm fine other than a headache." Dan says, "Why?"

"I-" Phil sighs, "You know what- Dan, I saw the knife in the sink."

Dan shrunk back, looking offended, "I had to chop vegetables? Phil I can handle a knife-"

"Apparently you can't because I saw the blood on it and the drips of blood on the floor." Phil sounded upset. 

"Phil-" Dan starts only to get cut off. 

"I thought you wanted to get better, and I'm not mad at you- I'm just confused and I don't understand. I thought you were doing good today?" Phil questions lightly, "I just want the truth okay?"

Dan sighs, seeming a bit annoyed, "You think I cut myself again."

"That's exactly what I think." Phil admits. 

"Phil you can trust me-"

"I left the house for an hour- one hour- and I come back and you've already hurt yourself?" Phil felt tears brimming his eyes as he continued to speak, "What happens if one day I come home and you-" Phil's voice breaks and his breathing stutters a bit, "-and you're dead? What would I do then?"

"Phil, it wasn't like that." Dan says softly, he sits up next to Phil and pulls the sleeve of his hoodie up, "Look, it was just an accident. I didn't purposely do this to myself. I was messing around, and as embarrassing as this is to admit, I was acting like a ninja and I managed to slice my arm open. I have poor coordination..." 

"That's all it was?" Phil looks at Dan with wide, watery eyes. 

"I promise." Dan smiles at him softly, "I'm actually okay at the moment Phil, it's alright. Do you need to talk?"

Phil shakes his head, "No, I was just worried about you." He inhales a soothing breath, "Why didn't you tell me you did that though?"

"I didn't say anything because I didn't think you'd believe me, I figured I'd just hide it and it wouldn't matter. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." 

"It's alright." Phil forgives, "You're okay and that's all that matters- but if something like this happens again I want you to tell me. If it's another accident I will believe you, you don't have any reason to lie to me and I trust you. Just don't hide things from me, okay?"

"Okay, Phil." Dan sighs, "Will you cuddle now?" Dan asks as he opens his blanket burrito for Phil.

"I guess." Phil rolls his eyes playfully and slides beneath the blanket. He didn't mean to fall asleep, but that night they both slept in Dan's bed. 

.....

For the most part, Phil would know when Dan's bad days were coming. His main signal would be waking up with Dan curled into his side. 

It was yet another few days later and Phil wakes up with Dan's body pressed against the side of his own, he sighs, "Morning sunshine." 

He carefully climbs out of bed before grabbing his sticky notes and a pen, his new "happy" tactic- as he called it- was going to be put to test today. 

Sometimes all someone needs is a reminder to smile, Phil thinks as he writes "Smile for me, okay?" On a sticky note with a smiley face and sticks it to the bathroom mirror where he knew Dan would see it. 

Part of Phil thought this was stupid, but the other part of him thought it was a great idea. Phil's quirkiness usually makes Dan smile, so he hoped this little sticky note thing would do something. Phil couldn't watch Dan all day every day, and he wasn't in his head so he didn't know what he was thinking or hiding. This way Phil could leave little messages, that were like a part of his mind, around the house for Dan to see. He hoped his cute and kinda funny little notes made Dan feel a bit better, if anything he hoped he at would least roll his eyes fondly in the way Dan did whenever Phil made a ridiculous pun. 

Phil left Dan asleep in his bed to go pour some cereal, he was starving and he had to go out again today. The flat was in desperate need of groceries. Phil wanted Dan to go with him but if it was a bad day he wouldn't push it, he'd simply tell Dan to go rest and to call him if he needed anything. 

Dan woke up feeling groggy and drained, he just wanted to lay in bed all day, but if he did that he'd feel bad. He didn't want to make Phil do all of the housework alone. Dan sighs, he sometimes felt like the worst flatmate and friend in existence. 

He pulls himself out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom, he yawns and rubs his eyes. He tilts his head in confusion when he sees the sticky note stuck to the middle of the mirror:

"Smile for me, okay :)." 

Dan couldn't help but let the corner of his mouth twitch up into a half-smile, "God I love you, Phil." Dan sighs lightly. 

Phil looks up with a smile when Dan enters the room, "Hey."

Dan flops down next to Phil and leans into his side.

"You okay?" Phil asks, letting Dan snuggle into him. 

"I guess." Dan sighs unsurely, he buries his face in Phil's shoulder, "Okay truthfully? No." 

"That's okay." Phil rubs his back soothingly, feeling Dan's slightly shaky breathing from being so close, "You don't have to be okay, it's fine. Just breathe."

"Thank you." Dan mumbles as he wraps his arms around Phil's torso.

"Is there anything specific bugging you that you need to talk about?" 

"No." Dan replies, "It's just one of those days where I feel crappy and slow." 

"Oh." Phil tightens his arm around Dan, "I hope you feel better." 

Dan hums out a reply as he closes his eyes and relaxes into Phil, taking a few deep breaths. 

"I have to go shopping in a few, do you wanna go with me?" Phil asks, "You definitely don't have too."

"Can it wait until later?" Dan asks softly. 

"Of course." Phil answers, he got a bit of hope thinking that Dan was going to go with him. 

They stayed on the couch for a few hours, Dan manages to get another hour of sleep as Phil watches T.V. 

"Hey Dan?" Phil gently nudges him awake.

Dan groans into Phil's shoulder, "What?" He asks sleepily. 

"I think I'm gonna go to the store now, you coming?" Phil asks. 

"No." Dan says. 

Phil sighs, "Okay..." 

"What's wrong?" Dan asks him. 

"Nothing, its just- nothing." Phil gets up off the couch, pulling himself away from Dan's arms. 

"It's not nothing- Phil!" Dan yells after him, Phil had already left the room. 

Dan let's his body sink into the couch cushions and he curls up into a ball, what did he do wrong? He ticked Phil off somehow. 

About ten minutes later Dan hears footsteps coming from down the hallway, part of Dan wanted to yell after Phil again, but before he could think about it the front door slammed signaling that he had left. 

Dan doesn't know why but a sudden wave of tears hit him and he just cried, he couldn't stop crying. It was like he couldn't breathe and his chest hurt, he felt so alone and worthless. He somehow made Phil angry and now he was completely alone. 

His mind was blank and he felt like he was going to be sick, he just kept crying. His emotions were pouring out of him in the form of tears, he couldn't keep it in. 

Today was a bad enough day for him, mentally he was already completely shut down and vulnerable to sneaky evil thoughts. Now it felt like his mind was spinning and he was confused, he hurt. His head pounded, his bones ached, and his skin itched for a knife, it felt like death. 

Dan dug his dull nails into his skin through the thin material of his pajama pants. It wasn't enough.

"No." Dan whimpers as he scratches at his thighs, "I can't-" He tries to breathe but his lungs were burning like he was on fire. 

He missed Phil and he hasn't even been gone for five minutes. He just missed having him here, when Phil was here he felt more stable and he trusted himself a little more. It was just a really, really bad day. 

Dan felt all rational thoughts slipping from his mind and he knew what that meant. It meant he'd do it, he wouldn't think about it and he'd just do it. He didn't want to do it. He slowly lost control, he tried to keep himself planted on the sofa if he could just keep himself here until Phil got back. 

But soon Dan didn't have any control, it had been about twenty minutes and he had lost it. He was shaking with the need to release some of this negative feeling, his body felt overly hot like he was melting from stress and anxiety. He wanted it to stop, he knew how to make it quiet but he couldn't- he could not. Could he?

Dan gulps, "Why?" He cries out in the form of a broken sob. Why did this happen? Why is he feeling this way? Why, why, why?

"I don't know what to do..." Dan says brokenly, tears were rolling down his cheeks and he was sniffling. He just hurt so much.

He wanted Phil, didn't he make Phil angry though? "Stupid- god Dan you're so stupid!" Dan yells at himself as his body trembles. His muscles felt tired and his hands were aching from being held in tight fists. 

Dan felt weak, "I'm just so damn worthless!" He screams into the empty apartment, he grips his hair and pulls. He releases a relieved sigh at the painful feeling. Tears drip off of his face and he hiccups, everything just felt so fuzzy. "I just want to be happy." Dan's voice came out soft and broken as another sob racked through his body. 

He could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he shakily stood up, he was breathing heavily but he still felt like he was suffocating and choking. "I just want it to stop." He pleads to no one, "I want to be okay- please..." 

Dan shakily maneuvered himself through the apartment to the kitchen, he leaned back against the wall and stared at the drawer. 

It was like the drawer was taunting him and coaxing him to just open it. He felt his body be pulled in, without even thinking. He slid open the drawer without a single thought of guilt. 

His eyes were closed as he reached in, he was waiting to feel it- to feel cool metal beneath his fingertips. He couldn't stop himself this time. 

Dan opens his eyes in confusion when he feels paper instead of cool metal. What he sees makes his heart pound harder, the thumping sound echoed in his ears. 

He plucks the sticky note off of the knife, "It's all gonna be okay, I believe in you <3." 

Dan's tears turn to guilt tears as he stares at the note, little hearts and smiley faces surrounded the words. 

Dan slams the drawer shut so the knife wouldn't taunt him anymore. The second the drawer closed the urge to cut backed off. It was like Dan put up a big sign saying "No." and he was adamant. 

Dan took a deep breath, holding the note tightly in his hand. His head tilted in confusion when he saw another note stuck to that one, he pulled them apart. "Don't be scared to talk to me, remember that I love you and I care." 

Dan still had tears sliding down his cheeks but he didn't feel as panicked as he did. He tried to breathe.

He walked back to his bedroom and approached his mirror, he had stuck the note from this morning there. He stuck the other two next to it, starting to frame his mirror with the notes. 

Dan let's his eyes glance over the notes and he exhales shakily. It was okay, he would be okay. 

He couldn't help but still feel the overwhelming sense of panic and sadness inside of him, he couldn't trust himself alone right now. Sure he had beaten his thoughts once but just that had taken a lot of mental energy from him. If the thoughts come back he doesn't know how well he could fight them off. 

He grabs his phone and walks to Phil's room before sitting on his bed and wrapping himself in the brightly colored duvet. 

He fumbled with his phone for a few seconds as he attempted to call Phil. With every ring, Dan's heart sunk even more. Dan was about to give up, it was obvious Phil wasn't going to answer him- but on the very last ring he picked up. 

"Hey... sorry I wasn't paying attention to my phone." 

Dan smiles when he hears Phil's voice, "Phil?" He asks. His voice showed that he had been crying and just hearing Phil talk made him want to cry again. He suddenly remembered how angry Phil seemed to be at him earlier. 

"Yeah- Dan, what's wrong?" Phil's voice suddenly got serious. 

"Come home." Dan pleads, suddenly he sobbed again and he couldn't hold it in. 

He heard Phil take a rushed breath, "Im on my way now okay? I just got done at the store. I should be home in like ten minutes."

"O-okay..." Dan stutters shakily. 

"Just breathe okay?"

"I'm- I'm trying..." Dan admits.

"Breathe in for four seconds, hold for five, let out for six." Phil tells him, "You're going to be okay. It will pass." 

Dan breathed like Phil told him too but he couldn't keep it up for long. "I can't Phil- I can't-" Then Dan just hung up, hearing Phil's voice simultaneously calmed him and made him freak out more. What if Phil was still mad at him and he was just pretending to be nice?

Dan ignored it when Phil called him back, he dropped his phone on Phil's bed and sunk to the floor. He crawled into the corner and hugged his knees to his chest. 

All of his previous calmness and progress just left, he was breaking down all over again and he couldn't breathe. Negative thoughts swarmed his mind and attacked him from every angle. He couldn't escape it and he didn't have the energy to fight it off. 

He clawed at his stomach beneath his shirt, causing the scabbed over cuts to bleed again. He slammed his head against the wall- he just wanted to hurt and feel physical pain so his mental pain would freeze for a while. This time it didn't work his mind was still an ugly screaming mess and he just kept scratching at the now open cuts on his stomach. 

"Dan?!" 

Dan hears Phil yell, followed by the front door slamming shut. Phil sounded a mix of scared, worried, and something else that Dan couldn't determine. 

Dan didn't yell back, he didn't want Phil to find him- even though he knew Phil would. 

"Dan where are you?!" Phil's frantic yell sounded closer. Dan could only guess that he was checking every room. 

Dan buried his face in his arms, his fingers and palms were stained with blood and the cuts on his stomach were stinging and sore. Phil was gonna see what he did and he was gonna be mad, Dan knew it. 

"Dan?!" Dan flinched, Phil was in here now. "Dan- hey..." 

Dan felt Phil kneel in front of him, Dan curled into himself even more. He sobbed and he mumbled incoherent words. 

"C'mon, talk to me." Phil's voice was soft and kind- Dan wanted to scream. 

"Go away!" Dan yells, his voice was muffled by his arms. 

"Dan..." Phil mumbles sadly.

"Go!" 

"I don't feel right leaving you alone like this." Phil says, "I'm not going anywhere. I've told you before, I'm not leaving you." 

"Why do you even care so much?!" Dan asks loudly, looking up from his arms to glare at Phil, "You can't possibly actually care about me! I'm literally worthless- I'm just a burden to you..."

"Dan that isn't true in the slightest and you know it!" Phil replies. 

"It is true! Everyone hates me- why are you any different?" Dan sobs, "Why am I even alive? I have no purpose- I'm just a worthless, stupid, sad excuse for a human being!"

"I don't hate you! You've got everything wrong Dan, none of what you're saying is true." Phil says, "I wouldn't lie to you."

"Stop!" Dan screams, feeling anger build up in his chest. He slams his head back against the wall, the loud crack makes Phil cringe. 

"Dan stop it!" Phil exclaims, immediately reaching to pull Dan away from the wall. 

Dan fights against him, "Leave me alone!"

"I won't leave you like this!" Phil argues, managing to grab Dan's arms and pull him up to his feet. He pushes Dan onto the bed and Dan instantly curls into a ball, sobbing into the duvet. 

Then Phil sees the blood on Dan's hands, he feels everything in his body slow down for a moment. "Dan." 

Dan hiccups and sobs, "W-what?!"

Phil grips Dan's wrists, examining his hands, "What did you do?" Phil kept his voice as calm as he could. 

Dan's eyes widened and he looked terrified, "No!" He yanks his arms away from Phil, "It wasn't- I didn't-"

Phil sits next to Dan, "Where did the blood come from Dan?"

"Phil." Dan whimpers, "I promise I didn't do it- I didn't do it!" Dan grabs onto Phil, "Please believe me..."

"Dan." Phil sounded stern, "Where did the blood come from, answer me."

Dan's bottom lip wobbled and tears rolled down his cheeks, he looked so small. "I wasn't thinking."

"Dan." Phil's tone didn't change, "I'm not mad, I'm worried. Just tell me."

Dan sits up and wipes his eyes with the back of his hands, "I scratched my old cuts open... I wish I didn't- it was an accident. I'm sorry..." Dan looks at Phil, his dark eyes were wide and glossy and he looked scared, "Don't be mad at me anymore, please." 

Phil's heart felt like it snapped in half within his chest, "Dan I was never mad at you-"

"Earlier, before you left you were angry with me. I didn't know why."

"No..." Phil sighs sadly, "God- I'm so sorry. I wasn't mad at you, I was just frustrated at who knows what. I can't believe I made you think I was mad at you- I did this." 

"Phil?" Dan felt a bit better now that he knew Phil wasn't mad at him, but now Phil seemed on the verge of tears. 

"Me seeming angry triggered you into this didn't it?" Phil asks. 

Dan opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, just a small sounding, "I'm sorry."

"Dammit." Phil buries his face in his hands, "Im the one that should be sorry."

"It's okay Phil- I didn't cut again, it's fine-"

"Dan you still hurt yourself." Phil replies, cutting Dan off from speaking. 

"I just scratched-" Dan got cut off again. 

"That's still self-harm Dan." Phil sighs heavily. 

"Oh." Dan swallows thickly, "Right." Without another word, Dan got up and left the room. 

"Dan?" Phil asks, watching him leave. "Dan where are you going?" 

Phil followed him, he manages to stop Dan's bedroom door before Dan slams it shut. Phil pushes himself into the room. 

"I hurt myself again." Dan huffs in annoyance at himself, "I can't believe I did it again."

"It's okay Dan, things happen." Phil says, walking up behind him. 

"I know." Dan sighs, he was exhausted. "Can I be honest about something Phil?"

"Of course." Is Phil's reply. 

"If I wouldn't have found your little notes in the knife drawer, I would've cut myself again." Dan tells him, "So thank you."

Phil sees the notes stuck along the edge of Dan's mirror, "That's why I put them there. It's for reassurance. I know I can't always be around you, so I put notes in places that you'll see in the hopes that you'll change your mind and just smile." 

Dan steps closer to Phil before hugging him tightly, "It works." 

"Good." Phil replies as he hooks his chin over Dan's shoulder and hugs him back. 

The rest of the day went by agonizingly slow for them both, there was this weird energy between them now. 

Dan had just finished cleaning up dinner and doing the dishes- which he insisted on doing because it was his turn. He walks into the lounge, taking a deep breath when he sees Phil. 

He plopped himself on the sofa right up next to Phil, out of habit he hugged him and leaned on him, Phil didn't mind. 

Phil silently offered some of his blanket to Dan who instantly pulled it over his lap. Dan sighs softly at the feeling of warmth. 

"Hey Phil?" Dan asks, his heart felt all fluttery and weird- just like it had always felt around Phil. He knew Phil's heart felt just as weird as his so he wasn't scared of it. 

"Yeah?" Phil asks, wrapping an arm around Dan's waist. 

"I love you so much." Dan sighs, feeling mildly happy. 

"I love you too." Phil replies genuinely. 

They didn't say it often, they kinda just went with the flow and whatever happened just happened. They knew they loved each other in many ways without needing to say it. 

Dan falls asleep, leaned against Phil. He hoped tomorrow was a good day. 

.....

"Phil look at it!" Dan exclaims happily making Phil give him a fond stare. 

"I see it." Phil replies, he had finally gotten Dan out of the house a week after the incident and Dan was happy. It was a really good day and Dan kept commenting on things and smiling, he just kept being happy. In return that made Phil extremely happy. 

"It's one of the cutest things I've seen, I literally want to crush it and eat it." Dan says, holding the small Shiba Inu plushie in the palm of his hand. It was smaller than his palm. 

"Your reaction to cute things confuses me sometimes." Phil responds. 

Dan sets the small shibe down and rolls his eyes, "Deal with it."

"Oo, sassy." Phil remarks making Dan scoff and laugh. 

They walk around town together, playfully messing with each other and going into random shops.

"I'm hungry." Dan complains. 

"Same." Phil sighs, "Let's head home."

"We should order pizza." Dan suggests. 

"I'm not gonna argue with that." Phil says, pushing his shoulder into Dan's as they walk. 

"Hey now." Dan says warningly, pushing Phil's shoulder back. "Don't start with me."

That night they both managed to go to bed at a decent time, tonight in separate beds. Dan was in a good mood so he didn't need Phil there for comfort or a feeling of safety- so why did he want to be next to him so badly? "Ugh." Dan sighs, this was gonna be a long night. 

Around three a.m. Dan woke up and for some reason he didn't feel anything. He was too sleepy to even care but he could still feel the tingle on his skin. 

He thought about the good day he had and he rolled his eyes, "Im such a fake." Maybe he wasn't actually happy earlier and it was just an illusion he forced himself to feel. 

"God dammit." Dan mutters, his skin ached and it was practically begging him for sharp contact. 

He didn't have a reason to feel this way- then again, did he ever? It always just hit him at the most inopportune times. 

He wasn't even necessarily sad right now or in a bad mood. He just simply wanted to cut. 

He had gone almost two and a half weeks without it, seventeen days to be exact. 

He just missed the feeling, he felt almost empty without it. 

Dan sighs heavily, "I want to." He decides, he wasn't even thinking about his progress at this point. He just wanted to do it so badly. 

He knows that he has cut plenty of times simply because he wanted to, there were a few times when he had no reason and he just did- because it was a habit. 

Dan found himself in the bathroom, sinking down the tile wall in nothing but his boxers. Leaving his skin open and ready for the knife he held in his left hand. 

He breathed out slowly and pressed the knife to his skin, he inhaled sharply as he drug the knife across his thigh, making a cut. 

The feeling of it seeped into his bones and every one of his nerves suddenly felt needy and he wanted this. 

Bright red streamed from the fresh cuts lining his thighs. This felt good, he wanted this. 

He took a deep sigh of relief and his mind felt unnaturally calm. He looks down at the damage he has carved into his skin, his thighs were once again completely covered in new cuts. 

For the moment, Dan didn't care. 

He cleaned up his mess, held pressure to stop the bleeding and hopped in the shower, watching the water slowly turn from a pinkish color to clear. The cuts stung terribly as the water hit them but Dan loved it, he felt so alive because he could actually feel something. 

He changes into clean clothes and puts the blood-soaked towel and clothes in the washer. He washes the knife, not leaving any speck of blood on it, before returning it to the drawer. The only evidence left was Dan, and Dan knew how to keep this a secret. 

Dan felt too guilty to go and lay with Phil, so he went and curled back up in his own bed. 

"Dan?" 

Dan groans and pulls the duvet over his head.

"Dan it's almost two in the afternoon, wake up." Phil says. 

"No." Dan mumbles.

"Don't be complicated now." Phil says fondly, poking at Dan's sides through the blanket. Phil hears a repressed giggle come from Dan, "Got you." Phil says before pulling the blanket off of him and tickling his sides. 

"I'm gonna kill you-!" Dan yells the empty threat as he tries to swat Phil's hands away, "Stoooop!"

"Then get up." Phil says back simply. 

"Ugh." Dan groans grumpily, "Fine, okay, I'll get up- but you're gonna cuddle me on the couch."

"Alright." Phil shrugs, "C'mon." Phil pulls on Dan's arms. 

"I can't move." Dan replies over-dramatically. 

"Hands." Phil holds out his hands for Dan, Dan rolls his eyes but reaches out for Phil nonetheless. Phil grabs Dan's hands and pulls him up out of bed, their bodies accidentally colliding- sending them to the floor. 

"Nice plan, Phil." Dan huffs, Phil broke his fall at least. 

"That was painful." Phil grimaces, he hit the floor hard and then Dan fell on top of him. 

"There was an attempt." Dan moves himself up so he was hovering over Phil, "You okay though?" He asks, staring down at Phil. 

"I'm fine." Phil replies, feeling his throat get all weird and tingly, it was suddenly hard to swallow. 

They were just staring at each other, Dan licked his lips before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Phil's cheek. 

After the big red flag goes up in his mind he rolls off of Phil and stands up, "Here I'll help you up." Dan offers a hand and Phil hesitantly takes it. Dan pulls him up carefully.

Phil's face was bright red and he wouldn't look Dan in the eye.

Dan coughs awkwardly, he shrugs, "Still wanna cuddle on the couch?"

Phil's blush somehow gets darker but he nods. 

They ended up being lazy all day, just holding each other. 

.....

"So how have you been?" Phil asks Dan two days later. 

"Phil I literally haven't left your side in days." Dan replies lightly. 

"Not what I meant Dan." Phil says, "I mean about cutting, have you thought about it at all? We haven't talked about it in a while." 

Dan's whole body freezes up and suddenly he felt the guilt of his actions slam down onto his chest. It knocked the wind out of him and he felt terrible. 

Since he had cut a few days ago he didn't think about it, he didn't even acknowledge that it had happened- but now, it hit him. 

"Dan?" Phil asks, sounding concerned. 

Dan was kicking himself internally, why did I do that? He thinks. He just did it with no remorse- now it was all coming back to him. 

"Hey, I'm sorry..." Phil says, "I didn't mean to-" Phil was cut off. 

"No-" Dan says. He felt everything building up inside of him and his breathing felt uneven. He started to get really fidgety and his eyes were darting from one place to another. The guilt was spilling over and he knew he couldn't contain it, he felt so bad. 

"Dan, are you-" 

"I did it again!" Dan blurts out, he had to do it. Like ripping off a bandage, he couldn't keep it in because it would just hurt him. 

Phil immediately changed expressions, a mix of emotions were written in his features. "Why?"

"I don't know." Dan replies, "And I'm being honest, I didn't have a reason- I just did it. 

"Dan." Phil sighs heavily. 

Dan looked down, "You're mad at me."

"Not mad." Phil clarifies, "Disappointed."

Dan nods in understanding, "I'm sorry, Phil."

"Don't be sorry." Phil can see the glossiness in Dan's eyes, signaling tears, "If you ever cut again I want you to tell me. I won't get mad, I won't yell. I just want to know. Don't be scared to ever tell me anything, alright?"

"Alright." Dan replies, feeling a tear slip down his face. 

Phil didn't know what else to do to help him, "Do you want a cuddle?" Phil asks, Dan always cuddled with Phil when he was sad, it was a comfort thing. 

Dan slowly nodded, but instead of doing his normal thing of leaning into Phil's side, he straddles Phil's lap and buries his face in Phil's neck. 

Phil was taken aback slightly but he let it happen. He wraps his arms around Dan and hugs him tightly as he cries.

"I'm sorry." Dan cries.

Phil could feel Dan's warm tears dripping onto his skin, "Its all okay, let it out. I've got you."

Phil knew he couldn't stop Dan from hurting himself, but he was definitely trying. If Dan just needed a good cuddle every now and then, then so be it, Phil would hold him. Phil was like Dan's security blanket.

Phil was beginning to think that his approach wasn't working, if just talking to Dan and being nice and forgiving him every time he messed up didn't work, then what would? Maybe I'll have to be more strict with him, Phil thinks. All he knows was he loved Dan too much to watch him hurt himself like this, it had to stop. 

.....

The next time something happened Phil wasn't home, Dan was so close to doing it again. He had spent the whole day crying and screaming hateful things about himself. He felt cold, like a block of solid ice was pressing against his chest and ice water was flooding his veins. He had ran out of hope for the time being and his brain immediately went to his dreaded habit, the habit he was trying to break. Sadly it was way harder to stop than he ever would have thought. 

He was standing in front of his bedroom mirror shirtless, knife in hand. There were cute little notes of positivity across the top of the mirror but Dan's eyes were too full of tears and his mind was too clouded to read. 

Phil entered the flat and sat the grocery bag down on the kitchen counter. He noticed that something felt very off, he turned around to see one of the kitchen drawers slightly open. Phil took a sharp intake of breath before pulling it open, he had memorized how many knives there were in that drawer and he immediately noticed one of the bigger ones missing. 

"Daniel!" Phil yells, he runs down the hallway a mix of anger and worry fueling him. The bathroom door was open, Dan wasn't there. Phil immediately went to Dan's bedroom, the door was closed. 

He shoved the door open in a rush, his eyes immediately landing on Dan who was like a deer in the headlights. 

"Drop it, now." Phil says, this time he was angry. Dan had blatantly lied to him before he left. 

"Phil, I-" Dan didn't get a chance to speak before the knife was ripped from his hand. 

"Did you do it?!" Phil asks loudly, looking over Dan carefully. 

"No..." Dan says, "But-"

"But you were going too?" Phil asks, he felt frustrated tears brimming his eyes, "Yeah I kinda noticed that." 

"I'm so-"

"If you tell me you're sorry-" Phil laughs bitterly, "Just don't Dan. You know why I'm actually mad right now, you lied to me!"

"I know." Dan mumbles softly. 

"You know! I can't believe you! I'm trying to help you, I tell you I'm there for you, I told you I'd do anything- literally anything- to help you and still you don't make the move to improve yourself." Phil says, "News flash Dan, if you don't help yourself then all of my help is being wasted. Do you not want my help or something?"

"I do..." 

"You know- I love you, I'd do anything for you. Yet you lie to me, you hurt yourself which in return hurts me, you don't even try to reach out! Am I worth that little to you?!" Phil exclaims, his chest was rising and falling with rapid breaths and Dan just stared at the ground as he shifts from foot to foot. 

"No." Dan replies, "You're worth a lot to me..."

"Then why Dan?" Phil asks before leaving the room, knife in hand. 

He walks to the kitchen before grabbing all of the knives, "Never again." Phil says as he takes them to his room, he hides them where he was completely sure Dan would never find them. 

He goes into the bathroom and grabs all of the razors, he hides them too. 

He returns to Dan's room, now seeing him sitting at the end of his bed.

"Dan." Phil says, "You remember what we talked about before I left earlier right?" 

Dan nods. 

"Good. Now I want you to tell me everything that was said, I want you to think about it." Phil says. 

Dan sighs and looks up at Phil, "You we're going to hide the knives and I told you not too..."

"Why?" Phil crosses his arms and leans against the desk in Dan's room. 

"Because I said you could trust me." Dan suddenly sobs, "I made you believe you could trust me, I lied. I'm sorry." 

"What would've happened if I didn't come in here and taken that knife, Dan?" Phil asks. 

"I would've cut." Dan sighs, his voice shaky. 

"Exactly." Phil replies, "I shouldn't trust you now should I?" 

Dan looks up at him brokenly, "You don't trust me?"

Phil didn't want to sound mean but he couldn't help his angry bitter laugh, "Not now I don't." 

Dan's lip quivers and he buries his face in his hands, having Phil talk to him like this was terrible. 

"If you would've cut, you would've regretted it, correct?" Phil asks. 

Dan nods and lets out a shaky breath. 

"So it's a good thing I took that knife from you, right?" Phil asks yet another question he already knows the answer too. 

"Yes." Dan's voice sounded defeated. "Phil, I'm really sorry."

"I get it, you're always sorry." Phil says, "Just stop." He shakes his head in disbelief, "Maybe you should apologize to yourself."

"Phil?" Dan asks, "Please just- just don't..."

"What?" Phil asks, releasing a sigh. 

"Don't leave me." Dan requests, "I know you're pissed at me, you have the right to be because I lied to you. Just please don't ignore me or hate me- I made a mistake and I know it was bad. Thank you for taking the knife from me- just don't leave me. Having you here helps a lot. You make me happy, Phil."

"I'm not gonna leave you." Phil says, letting his voice come out softer. He was done being mad, he had never been able to stay mad at Dan for long. 

Phil sits beside Dan on his bed, "Just talk to me okay? I want to help you get better, I need you to actually communicate with me. Tell me how you're feeling, instead of cutting talk to me."

"Sometimes I just can't." Dan replies, "But it's not that I don't want too, I just can't explain it."

"Obviously doing what we've been doing isn't helping, I have some ideas for you." Phil says.

"What?" Dan asks curiously. 

"I found some alternatives for cutting, instead of hurting yourself..." Phil looks around Dan's room before quickly going over to grab a red pen from Dan's desk, "Here's your knife. It's the only one you're aloud to have." Phil says and gives Dan the pen. 

Dan nods, he understood, "I don't know if it will work..." 

"It's worth a try." Phil says, "Its better than doing or trying nothing."

"Yeah..." Dan sighs. 

"Maybe you could punch a pillow, you could scream, take a bath to relax, look at something and distract yourself by evaluating it in detail... and if you need pain then you could squeeze ice or rub ice on your skin, snap a rubber band against your wrist. Just don't cut." Phil lists off helpful things, he just wanted Dan to listen to them and take note of something- anything other than self-harm would be a step forward. 

Dan looks at Phil with a small smile, "Did you look this stuff up?"

"Yeah, last night. I was thinking that maybe some alternative things would help you so you have other things and feelings to rely on instead of just me." Phil says. 

"You really do care..." Dan says, blinking away tears. His heart felt full. 

"I told you." Phil replies, "I wouldn't lie to you, I care about you a lot."

Dan leans into Phil's side, "Thank you."

"Remember those things Dan." Phil says, "Please, please stop hurting yourself." He sounded desperate and sad.

"I'm gonna try harder..." Dan replies, "I finally have a stepping stone." 

"And don't forget, I'm always gonna be here."

That night Dan laid awake in bed, he wasn't sad, he didn't want to hurt himself. He was just thinking. 

He wasn't even thinking about anything sad or depressing, he was just thinking about Phil.

His- pretty much boyfriend but not exactly boyfriend- Phil. 

This wasn't the first time he's had his mind go where it was going- his mind actually goes there a lot. 

His and Phil's relationship was confusing, they acted like a couple majority of the time but called themselves best friends. Dan knew they loved each other in an actual couple way, they've talked about it before- granted that was years ago- and it just never went anywhere after that. Dan doesn't think Phil's feelings have changed at all, he wasn't scared of it or anything he was just beginning to be tired of how they were. 

Dan wanted more, he was happiest when he was all cuddled up to Phil, or when he was asleep beside him. 

Hell, the other day he was gonna kiss Phil when they fell on the floor together, but he chickened out and ended up kissing him on the cheek. The blush that rose to Phil's cheeks after he did that made Dan feel extremely satisfied with himself. 

Phil did say Dan could talk to him about anything, even if he had to wake him up. So Dan walked to Phil's room, ready to talk to him while he still had the confidence. 

"Phil?" Dan asks, purposely jumping onto the bed beside Phil to jostle him awake. He had no idea how to word his thoughts but he didn't care, he was gonna talk and spill everything he was thinking someway or another. 

Phil jumped up, his heart racing. He managed to smack his head right into Dan's. "Ow!" 

"Fucking-" Dan rubs his jaw where Phil's forehead just smashed into him. 

"Dan!?" Phil yells, "You scared the crap out of me!" 

Dan for some reason laughs, and he couldn't stop laughing. 

"Yeah live it up there buddy." Phil rolls his eyes.

"I was bored so I came to wake you up for midnight banter." Dan gives Phil the pouty puppy face that gets him whatever he wants. 

"And give me a concussion in the process?" 

"Oh shut your pretty mouth." Dan says, shoving Phil's shoulder. 

"Pretty mouth?" Phil quirks an eyebrow, "I didn't realize you thought my mouth was pretty."

Dan blushes, "Shut up!" 

"So what's up?" Phil asks, they haven't had a good midnight talk in a while. Well not a good fun one anyway. 

"I was just thinking." Dan admits, he sounded serious. 

"About what?" Phil asks, Dan didn't seem upset so he didn't think it was about that. 

"It might come out sounding weird or overly cheesy." Dan warns, making a cute little awkward smile adorn his lips. 

"That's fine, I love cringing at midnight." Phil laughs as he receives another playful shove. 

"Okay I was thinking about us." Dan says, he sounded a little scared and unsure but for the most part he was confident. 

Phil pretended to gag, "I'm cringing so much I'm gonna be sick."

"Stop it!" Dan laughs loudly, "I'm serious." 

"Well I'm Phil, hello serious."

"Things that aren't funny- that." Dan says, unamused. 

"Okay okay, I'll stop." Phil chuckles, "But I'm making you smile nonetheless." 

"It's easy for you to make me smile." Dan rolls his eyes. 

"Oh god how sappy is this gonna get? Do I need to break out the tissues and vodka?" Phil jokes. 

"Dammit Phil!" Dan tackles him down onto the bed, "Stop ruining the moment." Dan says as he looks down at him.

Their eyes lock and they both swallow thickly, Dan quickly moves off of him, he needed to talk before he ended up just kissing Phil. 

"Okay, I'll be quiet now." Phil sits up, facing Dan. "Talk."

"Uh, well actually- I'm not quite sure what to say." Dan stumbles over his words, "But I- I love you I guess? Well not I guess- I do love you I just mean that- fuck I don't know what I'm doing right now." Dan sighs and buries his face in his hands. 

"I love you too." Phil says before smirking, "I guess."

Dan glares at him before rolling his eyes, "No Phil, I mean love in a different way. Like I want to be with you, I want to kiss you and sleep with you in both the innocent and non-innocent ways. Why the hell did I just admit that. Anyway I know we talked about this years ago but I actually want something with you, something more than our very married seeming friendship. So when I said I love you that's what I mea-"

Phil grabs the collar of Dan's shirt and pulls him in, Dan's eyes were wide and their foreheads and noses were touching. "I know what you meant, and you know what I replied." 

"S-So you agree?" Dan stutters, feeling the gap between their lips getting smaller. 

"We're being cheesy right now, right?" Phil asks with a smirk. 

Dan could feel Phil's breath ghosting over his parted lips, "Y-yeah I guess so." Dan gulps, he was full of anticipation. 

"Well in that case, how's this for an answer?" Phil asks before pressing his lips to Dan's.

Dan whimpered at the contact, immediately kissing back. Dan tried to deepen it but Phil pulled away. 

"So?" Phil asks, smiling and biting his lip. 

Dan blinks at Phil, his chest felt all warm and he felt fuzzy and good. Dan let a small whine escape him. 

Phil chuckled, "Come here, it's late and your beautiful mind needs some sleep."

Dan keened at Phil's words, for some reason he felt so calm and relaxed right now. Like he didn't have a worry in the world. 

Dan laid against Phil's chest, he hummed in content. Now they could properly cuddle all tangled up with each other and it didn't matter.

.....

Dan rode the wave of euphoria for days, just the thought of finally being with Phil made him so immensely happy. 

But every wave eventually crashes onto the shore and dissipates. 

Dan doesn't know where the sudden panic attack came from, it was random and it hit him hard. 

He was sitting in the corner of his room crying and breathing heavily. 

He had punched a pillow- he had scribbled all over his arms in red pen, it didn't work. It didn't make the urge go away. 

Now he was aggressively snapping a rubber band against his skin, leaving a deep red welt behind. 

Dan knew he didn't need a reason to feel like this, but he wished he had one. It would be so much easier if he could just know what was wrong with him. 

The raised welt on his skin hurt and it was giving him a bit of relief as he snapped the rubber band against it more. 

"Dan?" Dan heard Phil's concerned voice come from the hallway.

Phil knew Dan was in the middle of a panic attack right now but he left Dan alone, Dan wanted to be alone for a little while. Phil decided to trust him alone, after all Phil still had all of the sharp objects hidden away. He didn't want to bring them back out just yet.

"Dan can I come in?" Phil asks, he pushes the door open slowly and walks in anyway. 

His heart breaks a little more, "Aw, Dan." He walks over to Dan and kneels in front of him.

Dan sniffles, his nose was stuffy and he felt mildly nauseous- for him that wasn't uncommon during panic attacks. 

"Do you mind me being here?" Phil asks, he didn't want to make anything worse. 

Dan just mumbles a faint, "Stay."

Phil watched as Dan snapped the rubber band against his wrist repeatedly. He noticed the bump of a welt in his skin and it was bright red and irritated. It almost matched the color of the red pen Dan used to draw lines all over his arms. 

"Let me see." Phil requests in a soft voice, he gently grabs Dan's wrist and pulls it towards himself. Dan momentarily lets the rubber band go. "Do you care if I take this from you?" Phil asks, it was doing more harm than good now. 

Dan immediately whined, he was wide-eyed and scared. "Why?" 

"Because you hurt yourself with it love." Phil says, staying calm, "That defeats its purpose. It's supposed to be an alternative to help, not hurt." 

"Oh." Softly leaves Dan's lips.

"I'm gonna take it." Phil gently wraps his fingers around the rubber band and pulls it off of Dan's wrist, he puts it on his own wrist so Dan wouldn't grab it again. 

Dan immediately starts scratching at the sore spot on his skin, it burned when he touched it. 

"Hey- no." Phil gently grips Dan's wrists and pulls them towards himself. "No, we're not doing that." Phil tells him.

Dan makes a noise of protest and tries to pull his hands away, Phil just tightens his grip. 

"Dan- Dan look at me." Phil requests. 

Dan wasn't having it, he didn't want Phil to calm him down he wanted to hurt himself. "Let me go!"

"Dan." Phil says sternly, "Stop it right now." 

Dan practically growls as he keeps trying to tug his arms from Phil's. 

"Baby." Phil tries, "Please stop, just look at me."

Dan just sobbed, "No! Please let me go!" He was trembling and getting scared. 

Phil let him go so he wouldn't feel restrained and panic more. 

"I need space." Dan whimpers, pulling his knees to his chest. 

Phil scoots away a few feet, keeping his eye on Dan. 

Dan refused to look at him. 

Dan started scratching at his arms again, he was trying to make himself bleed. 

Phil watched with worried eyes, "Dan, please stop that."

Dan stopped scratching at his arms so Phil wouldn't get sad or angry. He still felt out of control, his lungs were rapidly pumping oxygen and they burned more and more with every breath. 

Dan slams his head back against the wall, the contact was so hard that his vision blurred for a second. There was now a deep ache in his skull.

Phil cringed, "Dan... please just stop it." But Dan did it again, and again, Phil couldn't just sit and watch it so he jumped forward and grabbed Dan, wrapping his arms around him to restrain him. "I hate to do this to you but you need to stop. It's hurting you, and it's hurting me to watch it."

"No no no-" Dan rambles, trying to get away from Phil's grip. In the midst of his panic attack he just wanted to run away, he wanted to be left alone. He wanted to hurt himself, but Phil refused to let him. 

"Shh, just calm down." Phil tries to speak soothingly as he holds Dan tightly. 

"Fuck you!" Dan screams, punching Phil's chest to get him to let go. 

"Ow- Dan stop." Phil tries to keep his hold on Dan, he knew he was just breaking down right now. 

Dan kept pushing and punching Phil, "Let me go, now! Let me go!" He screams. 

He manages to break himself out of Phil's arms before curling into a ball on the floor. The way he was breathing was extremely worrying to Phil since it was heavy and forced. 

Phil tried to ignore the pain from the punches. He had tears in his eyes because he couldn't help Dan right now, he could only watch as he cried and pulled at his hair and caused himself pain. 

Phil stayed a safe distance away from Dan to keep an eye on him, as long as he didn't do anything too self destructive then Phil wasn't going to intervene. Dan just needed to get it out of his system and he'd be fine. 

"Dan?" Phil asks once Dan went quiet. His breathing seemed to be even and his crying subsided.

Phil stands up and walks over to Dan, seeing him asleep. Phil sighs heavily before leaning down and sliding his arms beneath Dan's knees and shoulders. Phil tries his best to pick Dan up, he was fairly heavy even though he didn't look it. Phil lays Dan down on his bed and covers him up before leaving, he figured letting him sleep was the best option. 

When Dan woke up he was better, he wasn't panicking but he did feel guilty. He remembers how horrible he was to Phil and he couldn't even begin to say how sorry he was because it would never be enough. 

Dan slowly walks towards the lounge, his head was pounding. 

Phil looks up to see Dan, "Hey, you feeling any better?" Phil puts his phone down and puts all of his attention on Dan. 

Dan nods hesitantly, "Phil i'm really sorry." 

Phil sighs, "C'mere." He holds his arms out. 

Dan doesn't object and he settles himself in Phil's arms, "I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I kept trying- and succeeding- to hurt myself. I feel really bad, especially about hurting you."

"It's okay, it's over now." Phil replies, "I was touching you when you didn't want to be touched so you did have the right to push at me."

"But you were just trying to help me." Dan sighs. 

"I was, but you clearly needed space." Phil says, "I just didn't want you hurting yourself."

"I don't even know what was wrong." Dan admits. 

"That's okay, don't dwell on it and don't think too much about it." Phil replies. 

"I don't deserve you." Dan mumbles, shoving his face into the crook of Phil's neck. 

"Yes you do." Phil says, "Don't think like that."

"I can't help it." Dan replies. 

"I know." Phil sighs, "Just try to think better of yourself, I promise you're absolutely wonderful."

Dan couldn't help but smile, "Tell me you love me."

"I love you." Phil doesn't hesitate.

Dan pulls his face away from Phil's neck so he could lean up and kiss him, "How is it possible that you can make me feel so much better?"

"I don't know, all I know is I love you and I'm gonna be here to annoy you forever." Phil says. 

"I feel like you meant that as a threat but it sounds good to me." Dan smiles. 

"Does it?" Phil asks. 

"Yeah." Dan kisses Phil again, letting their lips linger together, "I love you."

.....

After that huge panic attack things went quiet for a while. Almost like Dan's mind was too tired to even panic. 

He felt mentally recovered about a week later, he just woke up that day and decided he didn't wanna keep moping around the house and being sad. 

That night Phil had taken him out and they had a good time. Dan didn't panic and he didn't feel the least bit sad. It's like he was his normal self again. 

After that, another week of good days passed. Dan felt great, like he was unstoppable and nothing could hold him back. Dan was just so happy because he felt like Dan again. 

Now he was officially one month clean from cutting and he felt good about it and Phil was extremely proud of him. 

Dan had been happy that whole day, riding the euphoric high from his accomplishment. Now it was almost time for bed, but Dan and Phil never went to bed on time. 

"Phil!" Dan giggles as he was pushed onto his back, his body sinks into the mattress.

"Oops." Phil smirks as he crawls up Dan's body. 

Dan smiles widely as he wraps his arms around Phil's neck, pulling him down into a deep kiss. 

Phil's hands rested on Dan's hips as he kneeled between his legs. 

Dan gasps into Phil's mouth when Phil's knee presses against his crotch. Phil took the opportunity to slip his tongue past Dan's lips. They loved making out with each other, it was one of their daily pastimes when they got bored. Well, when Dan was in an okay mood at least. 

Phil pulls away, breathless, "I love you so much." 

"I love you too." Dan replies, staring up at Phil with the most loving gaze that was humanly possible. 

Phil pecks Dan's lips as he grips the hem of Dan's shirt, "Are you sure you wanna do this?" Phil asks once he pulls away. He wanted to make complete sure that Dan was ready, especially since he was so weird about being touched. Sometimes he'd want cuddled, sometimes he'd want nothing to do with contact.

"I'm sure, Phil." Dan replies, not a bit of hesitation or uncertainty in his tone. 

Phil slowly pulls Dan's shirt off of him, swallowing thickly when he sees the scars littered across Dan's stomach and sides. 

"Hey." Dan says, "Don't focus on that please, focus on me."

Phil nods his head and smiles, "Okay." He hadn't seen all of Dan's scars before but there were so many, Dan told him not to pay attention to them but Phil couldn't just ignore it. Dan had put all of those scars there himself. 

"Do you wanna do this Phil?" Dan asks, Phil's movements seemed uncertain and nervous. 

"Yeah, I do Dan- I promise." Phil says, "I've just never seen all of your scars before."

"Oh." Dan frowned, immediately getting this extreme feeling of insecurity. 

"No no- I didn't mean it like that." Phil says, "I mean- I don't know what I mean."

Dan sighs and shakes it off, "It's okay, Phil. I get it." He says, "Just focus on me, like I said. I mentally feel great right now, don't worry about past things."

Phil does as Dan says, this was about them and how much they loved each other. It wasn't about the bad memories and the scars. 

Phil smiles at Dan before quirking an eyebrow, "You feel good mentally?" 

"Mhum." Dan hums in reply. 

"Well, I bet I can make you feel good in other ways too." Phil smirks. 

Dan stifles a laugh, "Phil, no."

Phil scoffs, "Phil, yes!" 

Dan rolls his eyes, "Just kiss me you weirdo, dirty talk isn't your strong suit." 

So Phil presses a giggly kiss to Dan's lips. 

"Are you sure this won't hurt you?" Phil pulls away from the kiss to ask. 

"Phil if you worry about another damn thing-" Dan laughs. 

"But-" Phil is cut off.

"I'll be okay, you know what you're doing." 

The next morning Dan is woken up by Phil peppering his face with kisses. 

"Phil!" Dan giggles, "What's up with you?"

"You know I wake up in cuddly moods sometimes." Phil replies, pulling Dan in by his waist so their bodies were pressed together, skin to skin.

"We're literally still naked Phil." 

"You didn't seem to care about being naked last night." Phil nips at Dan's neck, right next to one of the bruises he sucked into Dan's skin the previous night. 

Dan emits a light moan and pushes against Phil's chest, "Phiiiil stop it!" He giggles. 

"Fine." Phil replies before pecking Dan on the lips and loosening his grip. 

"Wow. I didn't actually mean stop it." Dan rolls his eyes. 

"Well you said stop, so I stopped. Be truthful and you'll get what you want love." 

Dan rolls his eyes before kissing Phil again, "If I didn't feel like I had been ripped in half then I'd gladly tell you to have your way with me- but I don't think I can handle another round just yet."

Phil giggles manically against Dan's lips, kissing him softly, "I wish I could say I was sorry."

"Neither of us are sorry." Dan says. 

"True." Phil sighs and hugs Dan, "I really really love you."

"Well I really really really love you."

"We aren't gonna start the I love you more argument this early Daniel." 

"I guess I'll just say I win." Dan sticks his tongue out at Phil cutely. 

"Oh hush." Phil shushes him with a kiss. 

.....

Dan was happy, but at the same time he wasn't. 

He had the best boyfriend he could ever hope for and he loved him unconditionally. 

The best part was Phil loved him just as much, and it showed. With every little lingering kiss, every tight hug, every whispered love confession, every night of making love. It was like Dan's life was finally getting somewhere. 

He felt like he was finally getting better, and he could feel the difference. 

So why did he still feel like something was so wrong?

Dan wasn't happy, not yet. Even with all of the goodness and positivity surrounding him in the form of Phil, it wasn't enough. Sometimes it was enough though and Dan was thankful, but at other times he felt like everyone hated him including Phil. It felt like the world was coming to an end with a brutal crash of tears and emotion. 

Dan didn't know what to do anymore. 

.....

Phil woke up to an empty bed a little after nine in the morning. He was confused, Dan never woke up before ten. 

He forced himself to get out of bed and he sleepily stumbled down the hallway in nothing but his boxers. 

"Dan?" Phil asks as he steps into the lounge. 

The second he hears a small whimper he's on high alert. His head shoots up and he glances around the room. 

"Dan... hey." Phil approaches him, he was curled up into a tight ball on the couch. 

"Phil?" Dan sniffles, looking up at his boyfriend. 

"Is something wrong?" Phil asks in concern, he didn't touch Dan. He didn't know if Dan would appreciate that right now, he always waits for permission first- especially after Dan's major panic that ended with Phil getting punched. 

"No." Dan replied softly. 

"Bad day?" Phil questions softly. 

Dan nods and another broken whimper leaves him. 

Phil opens his arms, a questioning yet concerned look adorned his face. 

Dan dove into Phil's arms, letting himself be encased in the warmth of Phil. He cried into Phil's bare chest and he trembled in Phil's arms, he was just letting all of his emotions go. 

Phil held him for as long as he needed, Dan ended up crying for several hours before he finally got to a place where he could calm down. 

"I'm gonna go get a few things, then we can just have a lazy day on the couch today, alright?" Phil asks. 

Dan nods, moving his body off of Phil and wiping at his face with the sleeves of his jumper, "Sounds good." He mumbles, his voice sounded hoarse. "My head hurts." 

Phil knew it was from crying, "I'll bring you medicine, just try to breathe for a minute baby." Phil kisses Dan's forehead before exiting the room. 

He comes back clothed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He somehow carried his duvet, two mugs of some warm drinks, ibuprofen for Dan's headache, and a small object hidden from Dan's view.

Dan reaches up to grab the mugs so Phil doesn't spill them, quickly discovering one was coffee and the other was hot chocolate.

"Here's for your headache." Phil drops two small medicine tablets into Dan's hand, cringing as he takes them dry. "I got us some snacks too but they're wrapped in the duvet..." Phil shakes it out and Dan couldn't help but giggle. 

"Crisps, cookies, haribo, marshmallows, a box of my cereal, and ice cream? Wow Phil you went all out on breakfast didn't you?" 

"There's cereal!" Phil defends, "We should probably eat the ice cream though before it melts..."

"We're going to die from all of this sugar- and I can't eat a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting Phil." 

"Speak for yourself." Phil rolls his eyes and plops down next to Dan. He sets all of the snacks out on the table. "There, food for the day."

"What do you have?" Dan notices Phil hiding something behind his back. He was curious. 

"A present for you." Phil replies, loving how Dan's expression instantly turned suspicious. 

"I'm scared."

Phil reveals the small shibe plushie, the same one Dan saw in the store a while back. "Surprise!"

Dan smiles at Phil, taking the small- yet cute- object. "How long have you had this?" Dan questions. 

Phil drapes the duvet over their laps, "Since we went to the store and first saw it. I've been saving it for a bad day so I could make you smile."

Dan snuggles into Phil's side, clutching the plushie in his hand. "Well, thank you Phil. I love it- and I love you." 

"I love you too." Phil replies.

Dan falls asleep on Phil not long later but Phil didn't mind, when he was sleeping he wasn't thinking and he looked peaceful. Dan deserved some rest. 

.....

It was four in the morning and Dan was out of his mind. He couldn't think straight and he was hyperventilating. His chest hurt and he couldn't breathe. 

Phil was sound asleep in his- well their pretty much shared- room. Dan had pried himself from Phil's arms and he was breaking down in his old bedroom. 

The pressure in his skull was almost crippling and his veins seemed to scream, his skin itched and he just wanted to sleep forever. He wanted to bleed, he needed it. 

He fumbled with the disposable razor, prying the plastic apart so the blades would fall free. Phil had just gotten to the point of trusting him with this stuff again. Dan was five months clean, but not for long. 

Dan didn't think twice about it as he slid the sharp razor across his arm, exhaling shakily as the cut burned. He did it again and again, forming a line of cuts from wrist to elbow. His arms used to be clean, not a single scar. 

Blood was dripping onto the floor and his arm was slashed up, Dan couldn't feel anything. He wasn't even thinking. 

Well not until, "Dan!" 

Dan's head snapped up to see Phil standing in the doorway, messy bead hair and low hanging pajama pants. Then his mind began to turn and he realized what Phil just caught him doing. 

Dan couldn't speak. 

"Dan-" Phil steps closer, making gentle movements, the air around them was tense, "Let me have it." Phil holds out his hand. 

Dan held the blade steady, letting a sob rack through his body as he pressed it to his arm again. He couldn't believe himself. 

"Dammit!" Phil yells before snatching Dan's hand, making the blade drop to the floor. Phil picks it and the broken razor up from the floor. He runs to flush the blades and throw away the dull plastic parts. 

Dan was frozen in place, looking down at what he had done. 

Phil ran back in and pulled Dan up into a standing position, he seemed a mix of angry and sad. Dan didn't blame him. 

"C'mon." Phil pulled Dan into the bathroom, "Sit." He pushes him down to sit on the edge of the bath. 

Phil searches the cabinet for bandages, luckily finding just enough. 

He silently begins to clean Dan's cuts and wrap his arms up to stop the bleeding. Dan sees tears slowly rolling down Phil's cheeks. 

"Phil-"

"Don't." Phil says, cutting Dan off. He finishes bandaging Dan's arms and stands up. "I don't know why or what compelled you to do this- I know I might not understand, but just... just don't." 

Dan nods silently, he felt so guilty. 

"Go to bed." Phil says softly. 

"What about you?" Dan asks. 

"I'll be there in a bit, I have to clean up all of the sharp objects again." Phil sighs making Dan begin to cry. 

Just like that Dan ruined Phil's trust for him again.

Dan went and laid down, he didn't sleep. Eventually Phil came in and laid beside him. 

Phil sighs and holds his arms out, "C'mere Dan." He says softly, Dan immediately leans into his embrace. "Sleep." 

"You're crying..." Dan pulls back far enough to look into Phil's eyes. 

"I know." Phil says, "I just don't know what you're feeling, I can't help you." 

"I didn't even think twice you know?" Dan admits, letting a tear slip down his cheek. "I didn't think at all... my mind was like empty."

"You should've woke me up." Phil replies, "You aren't alone."

"I know I'm not." Dan replies and with that he fell asleep. 

Phil on the other hand couldn't sleep, why did Dan do it? Why now? The past week had been amazing, why did this relapse even happen?

The next morning Phil was exhausted, he barely had any sleep, he was too worried about Dan. Phil felt like he could cry for hours on end, his heart and mind hurt. 

"What's wrong?" Dan asks, seeing Phil enter the kitchen where he was standing. 

"Nothing babe." Phil replies, giving Dan a fake smile. 

Dan knew something was up but he also knew that Phil was kind of angry with him, so he let it go. 

.....

Dan was in a pretty normal mood for the next few days. He wasn't happy but he wasn't sad, he was actually more worried about Phil than anything. 

Phil seemed off, since he had caught Dan cutting he was extremely cautious about anything to do with Dan. Even just talking having a conversation with him was weird because Phil would be very careful of what to say and he'd spend too long thinking of what to respond. Phil shouldn't have to do that, they were best friends- boyfriends for Christ's sake! Dan needed to talk to him, he needed to know what was on Phil's mind, but how?

"Phil?" Dan moves closer to his boyfriend on the sofa. 

"Hmm?" Phil softly hums his reply, he tenses up when Dan leans on him. 

"What's wrong?" Dan asks softly, jerking his body back away from Phil when he tenses. 

"Nothing love, c'mere." Phil opens his arms for Dan. Dan hesitantly falls into Phil's open arms. 

"Are you mad at me?" Dan asks cautiously, almost like he was scared of the answer. 

Phil sighs, "No baby, I'm not mad at you." 

Dan felt Phil press a kiss to the top of his head and he relaxed a bit more. 

Dan gulps, suddenly feeling a ball of anxiety burning up his insides. His mind raced with possibilities and answers to why Phil could be acting this way. "Do you hate me?" 

Phil squeezes Dan a bit tighter, he looked so cute in his oversized jumper and Phil couldn't help but smile. "Definitely not Dan." 

"You sure?" Dan lifts his head a bit so he could look up at Phil through his eyelashes.

He looked almost like a small insecure child in that moment, his big curious brown eyes gazing up at Phil. Phil's heart skipped a beat. 

"I'm absolutely over one-hundred percent positively sure." Phil smiles along with a small breathy giggle. 

"Okay." Dan sighs. 

Phil leans in to press a kiss right between Dan's eyes. Dan scrunches his nose up and shuts his eyes tightly, emitting a small squeak of protest to the fluffy action. 

Phil chuckles deeply, "See? Now how could I possibly hate someone as adorable as you are?"

"But 'm not adorable." Dan huffs, sounding sleepy. He looked mildly distressed- and Phil could tell- it was like his mind was starting to work too much and too fast for the rest of him to keep up with. 

"Would I lie to you?" Phil asks. 

Dan shrugs before burying his face in Phil's neck. 

"Daniel." Phil uses that tone, the tone that makes Dan know he wanted an answer and he wanted it now. 

"No." 

"Exactly." Phil huffs, giving Dan another gentle squeeze, "You're the cutest. With your fluffy hobbit hair, your adorable freckles, your dimples, y-"

"Okay okay, I get it!" Dan gently punches Phil's shoulder and giggles into his neck. "Now shut up."

"Admit you're cute." Phil says sternly. 

"Wha- Phil..." Dan leans back to look him in the eyes, looking uncertain and shy. 

"Admit that you are cute." Phil says slower, quirking an eyebrow. 

"But Phil I-" Dan looked troubled, he gulps and his eyes shift around like he was nervous. 

"It's not like I'm making you lie." Phil begins, "I just want you to see yourself how I see you." 

Dan releases a shaky breath, "But I don't see myself how you see me... you see me like I'm priceless and golden... I see me like I'm nothing- I'm really just nothi-"

Phil kisses Dan to shut him up, "Baby this is the attitude you need to get rid of." 

Dan looks down, a sad expression on his face, "I know." He breathes. 

"Alright, I'll tell you what." Phil sighs and seems to be thinking, "C'mon." 

"Huh?" Dan tilts his head in confusion, sitting up beside Phil on the sofa instead of laying on him. 

Phil holds out his hand, "We're gonna go look in the mirror and we're gonna talk, and you're gonna slowly learn to love yourself."

"I don't think that's how it works." Dan grabs Phil's hand, his heart was suddenly beating a bit faster. 

"It's a start isn't it?" Phil shrugs, pulling Dan up. 

"I mean... I guess so?" 

Phil pulls Dan towards his old room, "I have an idea okay?"

"Lay it on me." Dan replies, giving Phil a small nervous smile. Phil was only trying to help, and honestly anything was worth a shot at this point. Phil's plans usually worked to some extent and Dan was very thankful for him. 

"We're just gonna talk, and we're gonna get real." Phil says, "No holding anything back- I mean anything- even on my part. I'll say everything I think, you say everything you think. No getting shy or scared, no judging."

"Don't we already do that?" Dan asks, swallowing thickly. 

"Do we?" Phil quirks an eyebrow at Dan in a questioning manor and Dan shrinks back a little, knowing he was being called out. 

"So we're just gonna talk?" Dan asks. 

Phil hums as he thinks, "Kind of."

Phil pulls Dan into the dark, monochrome colored room. 

"Okay close your eyes." Phil says and Dan does as he is told, he lets himself be moved to another spot in the room, "Open them."

Dan opens his eyes only to see his reflection, and Phil's- who was stood behind him. 

"Phil?"

"What do you see?" Phil asks, standing off to the side so it was just Dan in the mirror. 

"I see my reflection." Dan replied monotonously, seeming unamused. He wasn't into this. 

"No, pretend you aren't yourself. Look at him." Phil points to the mirror, "What do you like about him."

Dan looked like a ball of nerves, he didn't like this. As much as he trusted Phil, he doesn't see how this is a helpful approach to any of his problems. 

"C'mon." Phil pushes. 

"Okay... um..." Dan looks at himself, he runs a hand through his messy hair and squeezes his chapped bottom lip between his thumb and pointer finger, "Phil this is stupid!" Dan stomps his foot and turns to his boyfriend. 

"Just look deep." Phil shrugs, acting like what he said just made total sense. 

"You look deep." Dan retaliates sassily.

"Daniel, do not sass or question me." Phil says making Dan scoff. 

"I don't wanna go deep!" Dan scowls at his reflection, not liking any of it. 

"Dan-"

"You go deep!" Dan sasses again, trying to get Phil to drop this whole thing so they could just go cuddle on the sofa. 

"Maybe I will!" Phil replies, laughing lightly. 

Dan smiles, "Oh baby you can go as deep as you want as long as it's me." He winks. 

"Dan it is not the time!" Phil blushes furiously and snorts a bit as he laughs. 

"But you're making me do some weird analysis on myself and I'm not feeling it." Dan pouts, giving Phil his best puppy-eyed look. 

"It will help, there's a method to my madness Dan."

"Of course there is." Dan says in a sarcastic tone, "You know what, how about you go first." Dan pulls Phil in front of the mirror and steps off to the side, "What do you see Phil."

"Wha- you know what. Okay, fine." Phil shrugs at Dan before looking in the mirror, "I see me, a kind person, slightly anxious at times, heart of gold, and a master of hilarious jokes." 

"Last one is questionable." 

"Shut your mouth Howell." Phil says, keeping the mood light-hearted so Dan doesn't get overwhelmed by the meaning of what he's trying to do. 

"Now look at your appearance and tell me what you like." Dan says, this is just what Phil was trying to make him do. "No matter how conceited it sounds, say it."

"Um..." Phil bites his lip, Dan knew Phil was also insecure about his appearance so maybe this would help him as well. "I have a pretty eye color?" Phil gives Dan an unsure look. 

"You do." Dan confirms Phil's thoughts, "I love your eyes."

That seems to give Phil a bit more confidence, "Overall, I guess all of my features combined makes me pretty cute I guess." Phil shrugs. 

Dan laughs and rolls his eyes, "Agreed, I just love everything about you though." 

"Well I definitely don't love everything about myself." Phil sighs, "Anyway, your turn." 

Dan gives Phil a small smile before stepping in front of the mirror, he fidgets around with his hands quite a bit. 

"What do you like, pick anything no matter how small." 

Dan's tongue darts out to wet his lips and he exhales shakily, "I don't know... I mean I'm not ugly I guess?"

"That's a start." Phil says, "And you aren't anywhere near ugly- you beautiful person." 

Dan smiles lightly in Phil's direction before returning his focus to himself, "I just don't think I'm exactly attractive I guess?"

"I disagree, but go on." 

"I feel like the most average looking person, like I don't have anything special or significantly different to make me stand out. I just feel plain and useless. Like I just don't belong anywhere because I'm not enough for anyone-"

"Baby." Phil cuts Dan off, sighing. "Okay, maybe we need a different approach." 

"Let's just talk about you more." Dan releases a nervous laugh. 

"Fine." Phil replies, coming up with a quick idea to make Dan feel a bit better about himself. 

"Fine?" Dan questions, not expecting Phil to just drop his whole act this early. 

"I'll tell you what I don't like about myself." Phil sighs, deciding to start small so they both won't end up crying about their insecurities in five minutes, "My ears are too small. Honestly I literally hate it, I don't voice it much but it's just irritating that I hate something so stupid..."

Dan's eyebrows furrow in a slightly concerned way, "Phil your ears are fine, I think they're perfect just like the rest of you-" 

"But I hate them." Phil says simply, "What is something you hate about yourself?"

Dan sighs and nibbles on the inside of his bottom lip, "Honestly, I feel like I hate everything. I've never really technically liked anything- I don't know." 

"But I love all of you, and I think you're simply perfectly Dan in the most amazing way."

"But I hate it." Dan says. 

Phil gives him a knowing look, seeing if Dan is connecting the dots, "See how I said I hate my ears, but you think they're perfectly fine?"

"Yeah..." Dan had this quizzical look on his face, he was starting to understand what Phil was getting at. 

"You hate you but I think you're perfectly fine." Phil says, "As humans we are our own worst critics Dan. Odds are what we hate about ourselves- even if we're convinced we hate everything- other people won't notice. We only notice those things because we pick them out and we tear ourselves apart by thinking about the negative and bad things constantly." 

"But I'm just convinced that everyone automatically sees my flaws just as much as I do." Dan sighs and looks down at his feet. 

"They don't, odds are nobody will see your flaws or your strengths. You have to be the one to pick which to display, are you gonna hide behind your flaws? Or are you going to look inside of yourself and find something you like- even if you're convinced you hate it all?"

Dan looks at his reflection, "Where is this coming from?" He asks in slight amusement. 

"My heart." Phil shrugs, "I didn't plan to say any of this but honestly I feel like it's pretty solid advice."

"I mean... I feel like I've hidden behind this wall of 'safe' for so long, it's not healthy but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to fix myself." Dan says. 

"But you've been fixing yourself." Phil tilts his head in confusion, did Dan really not see?

"No I haven't Phil..." Dan says sadly, Phil felt Dan's sadness and instantly moved to hug him. 

"Dan you've improved a lot over the past several months. Since the day you asked for help you've been improving- I can see it."

"But I relapsed." Dan says, "I'm fucking stupid, I threw away all my progress so many times-"

"No." Phil cuts him off, "Relapse is just a thing that happens and you shouldn't drag yourself down over it. Just because you relapse doesn't mean you're back at square one." 

Dan looked confused but his sad mood seemed lifted and lighter. 

Phil continues to speak, "You used to seem very reserved and scared about all of this, now you're more open with me. You willingly talk when you feel like cutting so I can help keep your mind off of things. This is progress! Everybody has bad days and everyone struggles with something, that's doesn't mean everyone is failing. And you definitely aren't failing, you're strong Dan- and I believe in you and you're freaking amazing in so many ways."

"Strong? I don't know if that's a good word considering I'm still a little weak and I still relapse-"

"Nope- don't say that." Phil says, "You aren't your scars- mental and physical. You are you, look at everything you've been through and everything you've put yourself and your mind through- you've made it! You're still kicking and you're here to tell the tale. You can still smile and laugh, you can still love with all your heart, you're still so good at so many things, I'm jealous. You are strong." 

Dan's eyes were watery and his heart felt so full, "Really?"

"Yes really- definitely really!" Phil exclaims, "Think about how you used to feel, do you not feel better now? Now that you've asked me for help and more importantly now that you've helped yourself?" 

"I do feel a lot better... a lot more stable I guess. Like I'm not a wildcard anymore and I'm better at dealing with my sudden bursts of emotions and feelings." 

"See, progress." Phil smiles at him, "All because of you."

"No." Dan shakes his head. 

"No?" Phil questions. 

"It's all you, if it wasn't for you god only knows where I'd be." Dan replies honestly. 

"No Dan. You may think it's me but it truly isn't." 

"But you always help me- and you always-" Dan can't think of what to say. 

"You've done way more for yourself than I've done for you. I can't control your mind- only you can do that. So when you choose to talk to me instead of self-harm it's all you. When you came to me that first time and told me about how you harm yourself it was all you, and it was so brave- I know that must've been scary as hell for you. But everything I do for you comes after you initiate asking for help. You make the big moves to help yourself and make yourself better, I simply help push you along. Sure, maybe that little push is a good part of what keeps you going. But I wouldn't know to give you that little push if you didn't ask for it." Phil says like it was simple. 

In that moment Dan felt pretty damn powerful, he controlled his life- he felt like he had complete control over it for once. 

Phil kept talking, "You're a good person Dan, there's nothing bad about you. You won't see that right away and nothing's gonna drastically change overnight, but I believe that with time- and time is on our side for this- you will get better. You will learn to see all of the wonderful things I see, I'll make sure to tell you everyday how much I love you so it helps, and you will learn to love yourself."

"You do really believe in me don't you?" Dan gives Phil a fond, thankful smile. 

"I believe in you with all of my heart and every ounce of my being." Phil says, "And I love you so much, words can't comprehend."

"I don't know what to say..." 

"You don't have to say anything." Phil shrugs, "Just keep on the right track, which I have faith that you will."

"I will, just as long as you stay right here with me... I still need you."

"I'll always be right beside you, even though I'm almost certain you're strong enough to do this alone."

"I'm definitely not." Dan immediately shuts that down. 

"You really are. Even if you don't see it." Phil replies. "Do you get why I wanted us to get real and talk now?"

"I do." Dan sighs, "Honestly this made me feel really good... I just needed this little chat to restore my hope."

"You're beautiful, inside and out." Phil says making Dan blush and shyly look down.

"Thanks." He quietly replies. 

"You accepted a compliment instead of denying it, that's a start." Phil says making Dan roll his eyes and smile wider. 

"Honestly I thought you were mad at me... the last few days you've been distant almost." Dan says, sounding almost nervous to bring this up. 

"Well... I was thinking." Phil says, "And in the process of thinking I got kind of sad and I didn't want to drag you down so I kinda went quiet..." 

"Phil your emotions and feelings are just as valid as mine, we've talked about this-"

"I know." Phil sighs, "I know- just, after walking in on you cutting the other night... it shook me up a bit."

Dan sighs sadly, "I wish I didn't do it."

"I just started thinking, what if you cut one day and you accidentally go to far- or purposely even? What if you kill yourself and I'm not there to walk in and stop you? What would I do without you- you're such a big part of my life and I don't want to lose you."

Dan gulps, the lump in his throat was just as tight as the ball of guilt in his stomach. "Phil I-"

"I shouldn't be talking negative like this but I feel like I need to just get it out." Phil sighs, "I just care about you so much, I don't want you to kill yourself- I don't want you to die at all." 

"Well I- I don't-" Dan cuts himself off mid-sentence, an unfamiliar expression washes over his face and his eyes look hopeful. 

"Dan? What is it?" Phil asks in confusion. 

"I don't want to kill myself." Dan says, it was like a breath of fresh air as the realization hit him, "I don't wanna die anymore..."

Phil seems to understand Dan's internal thoughts because he smiles, "That's good Dan." He says with watery eyes, he felt so happy for Dan in that moment.

"I used to just want out, I always wanted to just disappear and die but not anymore... I don't want to die anymore." Dan says, "Phil I don't want to die... I wanna live and continue doing great things and I just-" Dan's eyes were welling up with tears and he could feel his heart pumping rapidly. 

Dan breaks down in a flood of tears and flings himself at Phil, letting out emotion in the only healthy way he knew how- which was crying. 

Phil hugs Dan so tightly, like his life depends on it, he rubs Dan's back gently and slowly rocks their bodies back and forth.

Phil understood what was going on just because he knew Dan so well, this was a very good thing. This was a big step on the long, continuous road to recovery. These weren't sad tears, it was just how Dan knew how to expel emotion. Phil was happy that Dan trusted him enough to be this vulnerable and close to him. 

"I don't wanna die anymore Phil." Dan repeats as he sniffles and buries his face in Phil's shoulder. 

"I'm so proud of you." Phil mumbles softly, giving Dan one last hard squeeze before letting him pull away. 

Dan wipes his face with his sleeves and he smiles at Phil with watery eyes and flushed cheeks. 

Phil couldn't help but feel so ecstatic, he grabs Dan's face, his hands squishing Dan's cheeks and making him look overly adorable. "I'm so, so proud of you." Phil says before pressing his lips to Dan's with force, making Dan know he meant what he said with just lip on lip contact. 

Phil pulls away seconds later and Dan sighs softly, he felt so happy now that he'd overcame another obstacle in his complicated puzzle of a mind. 

"You should be proud of yourself."

"You know what? I am." Dan says. 

Phil kisses him again, "I'm just so full of love for you right now I think I'm bursting at the seems."

Dan giggles, "Please don't burst."

"I told you you'd be okay eventually, do you believe me now?" Phil smiles softly. 

"I think I do." Dan says, "But I still need you, you're great to have around when I need a hug." 

"But I'm just here to follow your lead, you direct everything and go at your own pace. I'm just here to make you smile." Phil pokes Dan's dimple.

"You always make me smile, even when I don't want too- and I need that. I need you." 

"But recovery is your thing. I told you you're strong, you can do this. I'm along for the ride and you're driving this boat."

"Boat?" Dan asks, a small laugh leaving his lips as he gives Phil a weird expression. 

"It's an analogy- I think..."

"Really putting that English degree to good use I see." Dan says, Phil shoves at his shoulder playfully. 

"Shut up." Phil rolls his eyes but he smiles nonetheless, "Like the boat is your life." 

"I get it, don't worry. I love how your mind works sometimes." Dan says making Phil laugh. 

"So you're driving this boat Dan, and the question is, are you gonna let it move uncontrollably, jump back from the wheel, and let waves take over every time you make a wrong turn, or are you gonna take control and steer yourself in the right direction?"

Dan shakes his head and smiles fondly at Phil, he loves Phil. Phil and all of his weird ways of saying things. Somehow Dan understands what Phil means and he highly appreciates his creative words. 

"I'm gonna take control."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, this fic really means a lot to me.  
> (And yes I've accidentally hurt myself on a knife by pretending to be a ninja while cooking- that wasn't just something I made up, I added it to brighten up the mood a bit) 
> 
> Leave a comment with your thoughts and feelings, I'd love to hear what you're thinking no matter what it is. 
> 
> Like I said, I based this a bit off of my own experiences- minus the Phan part lol. 
> 
> Stay strong, I believe in you. Xx


End file.
